Vivify

To give new life or energy. I have spent a better portion of the past two months focusing on and trying to flex, patch, fix, repair, or figure out mine & R’s relationship and the issues we were having. At some point I’ll be ready to share more how things felt from my side. Not now. Now is when I share my hopes for other things that I want/need to give energy to in my life.

The kids. They are always my first priority. But, there have been times recently where I have brushed off some of the attention they want from me; to play games with me, watch movies or just hang out together and get my full attention. That will stop.

Art. I’ve always drawn, painted, sketched and sculpted. I’ve always gifted most of my work and kept very little for myself. I’ve always felt that no matter what I did, while it fulfilled a part of me; was not good enough(to me) or worthwhile enough in others eyes to pursue it or give it more energy than I do now. I have at various times mentioned to D different projects I’d like to do or a general: ‘I’d love to work with clay again.’ Over this past weekend, he gave me a sketchbook. And I teared up, I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t an expensive gift, just a sketchbook he’d had in a closet for years, but it’s the first time anyone’s given me something art related since I was a teenager.

Crafts. I have various levels of crafting. I can sew. I enjoy crochet. I love working with leather. Again, usually for others, though I keep more of the leather work than anything else. I remember the delight and amusement R got out of the Jesus robe at Halloween time. *smiles* There’s nothing like watching a bunch of kinky folk at a play party interact with ‘Jesus’. The ladies in my family have a monthly craft day and I’ve volunteered to make the ‘yearly prize’, a sofa sized afghan. I need to set aside time to sort out the yarn and pattern for that project.

I love working with leather. The smell. The texture. The kinky goodness of floggers, dragon tongues and tails. The researching on collars, cuffs, masks and blindfolds. The difference in each finished project, even when using all the same materials. Both of the boys got a… well I’m calling it a double dragon tongue, though there is often a level of debate as to what is/is not a tongue vs. a tail, for Christmas. It’s stingy as hell and fantastic. D went to a collaring/play party on Sunday, which I was unable to attend, and the newly collared one liked it enough that she asked about buying one! *SQUEE* Ohmigod… I *don’t* feel sure enough of my skills yet, but I am so happy that people are starting to ask, because I do want to start selling such things. Here’s a first step.

Crew. I am a crew member of a kink 101 interactive stage show, mainly at a club near me, though we are trying to branch out in the community. I’ve been letting my attendance at events for crew and training for various parts of crew slide while trying to sort out my personal life. I need to start giving that responsibility the attention it deserves. To give my growth within crew the effort it needs, not only for myself, but for this new family that I’m a part of to know me and my determination, dedication, and fidelity.

The blog. I’ve been letting the blog slip and that’s going to end. I need a place to vent frustrations, happiness, thoughts and to do so regularly. Letting all those things build up.. has not been good for me or the folk in my life. Venting here where those who need to see it can, rather than directly at/to them will hopefully ease some of the pressure on them and me.

D. My next post will be more detailed about the changes in my relationship with D, but very short version is: D is my Dom. I need and want to give more attention and focus to my service and submission to him. Finding my path with him and his with me and where we want to go together. To find my, his and our bliss.

Scares

There have been a couple of different scares this week. Ones that shall remain private, even “anonymously”. But they have triggered other thoughts for me. What if I’m doing this whole poly thing wrong? How do I decide what’s wrong or not? Why do I have certain requirements for one partner and different ones for the other? What is ‘unreasonably’ selfish of me and what’s not? How do I balance what *I* need to remain happy with my boys, and their OSOs needs?

I don’t like admitting to being selfish, even when it is something I feel I need. So, here I will say, ‘Yes, I know I am being selfish.’ But, damn it my needs matter. As much as I have a responsibility to help with my partners’ happy, I have a higher responsibility to me. Right now, my relationships are both ‘new’ and I will defend them strongly. In time will I become more secure and sure of my place(whatever the hell that means)? Yes, of course I will. But… until then I’m not going to cave in on the things I need. Even when they seem/are selfish. There are things both of the boys share with OSOs that I would love to share with them, but cannot for various reasons. Poly does *not* mean Equality to me. And yes, there’s a part of me that feels bitchy for saying it that way. But it’s my truth.

I feel like R and I didn’t give enough time to ‘us’ before B was added. So part of the issues there are not *B*, they are that almost anyone’s added weight would have knocked the scales off balance. I am extremely lucky in the fact that the addition of D did not ruin the balance with R. I feel like I’ve been the unintentional catalyst in issues between D and his SO. I try to balance my relationships, I want to feel the same level of *importance* for both the boys, but it’s never going to be equal. They both offer different things and I give different things to them both. Another part of the issues with R and I is that our views on poly differ so much. He strives for equality. I say it’s not possible. Striking a balance for us… is going to be an effort. But, there is so much potential and love and delight there, gods it is worth the effort.

Emotional Needs

Frustration seems to be ruling me today. Frustration, irritation and fear. It’s easy for me to sit back and pinpoint which interaction starts this feeling. It’s much harder to talk about it, to work out a solution and not feel like I’m complaining. Because, gods I hate being ‘the whiny one’. And yeah, I know that’s a label I apply to myself… no one else is applying that label to me. sigh

I’m willing to be patient, to wait for what I need. (Situational issues… are different) But where does waiting turn into neglect? Neglect of myself, my relationship, my love. It’s so difficult for me to stand up for my emotional needs. I don’t like feeling like I’m demanding, whining, bitching about what I need and am not getting. To stand up and say *this* is what I am worth, what I *need.* I catch myself most of the time putting the boys’ needs before my own. And while I try to keep them happy… I slowly become unhappy. I’m trying to be better about it and let them know when I start feeling like I’m insignificant.

I try to rule my temper with an iron fist because dear gods, it is hard to not blow up on certain people. And blowing up is not helpful. I don’t want to be ‘the bitch’ either. And it is a long, long path from ‘I’ll tolerate you.’ to ‘Let’s include you!’. And, yes, ‘Let’s include you!’ is the long term goal. But you have to work at it too, I’m not going to pull your half of the load on that one. *grits teeth* And I am not the only one who sees the issues. And, yes, his handling of things has and is frustrating me, too.

So that covers frustration and irritation… Fear. I’ve always feared sharing how I really feel about things. As much as I love my family; they were very much a bad, bad influence on my emotional health. My opinions never mattered, you did as you were told and that was that. There was no talking about how I felt, because how I felt was always wrong. So, I learned to shut up and keep my feelings/opinions to myself. Because sharing always made the situation worse.

So… now I am faced with situations where communication is *most* important and I have to fight myself to get there every time. And always, always in the back of my heart & mind is the fear. Fear that standing up for me will make me appear whiny, cause bigger problems or a break up. Because, yeah what the boys think of me matters. A lot.

It’d be nice if I wasn’t the only one standing up for me sometimes.

Thanksgiving 2010

It’s been close to a year since I started my foray into the kink/BDSM community. It’s been an exciting, thrilling, frustrating, delicious journey. As the holidays roll around and I start considering all the changes that have occurred in my life and all of the changes yet to happen, I am thankful. To all the folk who have made me welcome, taught me, enriched me I give my thanks. Thank you, all the new exciting people who are part of my chosen family. To crew, thank you for the acceptance, learning and space to be myself. To my family, thank you for accepting those things you have learned and not asking about those you have not. To my children, there are no words to say how much you mean to me. To the boys, thank you for sharing your lives.

To R, ditas vitae and I cannot thank you enough for the love, care, energy, affection and acceptance I feel with you. I am forever thankful that we have started this journey together and plan to enjoy every second I have with you.

To his H, thank you. Thank you for accepting and understanding the love I feel for him, for being my friend and being present in my life.

To D, thank you for your patience, your care, and your affection. Thank you for being who you are, for your laughter, for your smiles and for loving me.

To T, you are the quiet influence, the voice of reflection. Thank you for teaching me, showing me different points of view, and for your trust and care.

To my friends, you all have my love. Thank you for being a support, trusting me to support you and letting me cry on your shoulders.

Happy Thanksgiving, to all of my families.

Foreknowledge

Foreknowledge: Knowledge or awareness of something before its existence or occurrence . It’s an ugly damn word. It is just not elegant at all. But, foreknowledge is very very important to me in general and in poly.  I don’t need the details. I don’t need to know you’re juggling rainbow colored dildos and keeping three plates spinning on sticks while having sex with your new partner in the back of a clown car.  Details would amuse the hell out of me, but aren’t necessary. But, I do need to know you’re having sex with the new partner. I need to know you’re exploring D/s with your new partner. I need to know for my own mental and physical health, so I can keep track of your mental and physical health and for the health of our relationship. And I need to know before it’s a public announcement. I’d really like to know when you first start talking about big changes with the new partner. It makes me feel out of the loop with you, my partner, when you don’t keep me up to date.  And I really, REALLY like to know *before* the facts come up in a casual context from the new partner. Because then I feel out of the loop and disrespected. When I know that’s not how you(and hopefully the new partner) are intending the news.

I’ve had to have this conversation with both R & D this past week… and I hope(and they both say they do) they both feel that we’re back on an even keel because I’m not angry with either of them. Our relationships are still developing and no matter how long you’ve been together, miscommunication can happen at anytime.  Being clear  and transparent on the facts and on the definitions of your relationships, and hell disagreements too, helps all of us stay up to date on how things are fluxing, or settling.  And.. I’m a fixer… If there’s an issue gods damnit I want to know, so I can commiserate and offer advice even when the issue isn’t between one of the boys and I. If they are having a disagreement with one of the other partners, maybe I’ll have an insight that can help. Maybe not, but fuck I can try. Try to keep everyone happy, my loves and their loves too.