Archive for November, 2010

Movie Day

Yesterday I was home alone for most of the day. I probably should have cleaned my house, but I sat down to watch some movies instead. (I have a continually growing stack of DVDs I haven’t seen, that random people give to me) I got four in, more movies than I’ve watched in the last oohh… couple of months combined? An American Haunting, Ghost Ship, The Lovely Bones, and What Women Want.

I liked all of them in different ways, none were spectacular in any sense. Haunting was probably my favorite with Bones stealing second place. They both had some actors/actresses I like and solid performances but neither one really had that special oomph for me. I generally adore Sissy Spacek and Donald Sutherland who were both in Haunting plus Rachel Hurd-Wood(who is in my favorite version of Peter Pan** to date) and James D’Arcy are both becoming folk I’d pick up a movie just because they were in it. Plus I’m a sucker for ghost/poltergeist movies, though I was a bit disappointed that I guessed the big reveal before it occured.

Bones has Rachel Weisz and Susan Sarandon, who are fantastic, plus Mark Wahlberg, who I am consistently surprised that I like. Plus, who played Ray in that movie? … ah, Reece Ritchie is ridiculously cute as a mid-seventies teenager. I did love the special effects, especially the ship-in-a-bottle scene. And Stanley Tucci? Perfect.

Ghost Ship I’d place third, again mainly because it had actors I really like, Gabriel Byrne(who was fantastic as Satan in End of Days)and less so Julianna Margulies and Ron Eldard. Plus, the beginning scene where the entire deck of passengers gets bisected by the wire? Fucking great! I had to pause the movie I giggled so hard. And Emily Browning is adorable, I love her lips!

WWW… was fine. There were a few cute scenes, and I have to admit seeing Mel Gibson in hose was amusing, but it was definitely a mediocre movie. I love Helen Hunt, though she’s more of a solid actress than a blockbuster for the most part. But, really… meh.

** Peter Pan is great, makes me cry every time. Jason Isaacs as Hook? Fuck. Yes.

Thanksgiving 2010

It’s been close to a year since I started my foray into the kink/BDSM community. It’s been an exciting, thrilling, frustrating, delicious journey. As the holidays roll around and I start considering all the changes that have occurred in my life and all of the changes yet to happen, I am thankful. To all the folk who have made me welcome, taught me, enriched me I give my thanks. Thank you, all the new exciting people who are part of my chosen family. To crew, thank you for the acceptance, learning and space to be myself. To my family, thank you for accepting those things you have learned and not asking about those you have not. To my children, there are no words to say how much you mean to me. To the boys, thank you for sharing your lives.

To R, ditas vitae and I cannot thank you enough for the love, care, energy, affection and acceptance I feel with you. I am forever thankful that we have started this journey together and plan to enjoy every second I have with you.

To his H, thank you. Thank you for accepting and understanding the love I feel for him, for being my friend and being present in my life.

To D, thank you for your patience, your care, and your affection. Thank you for being who you are, for your laughter, for your smiles and for loving me.

To T, you are the quiet influence, the voice of reflection. Thank you for teaching me, showing me different points of view, and for your trust and care.

To my friends, you all have my love. Thank you for being a support, trusting me to support you and letting me cry on your shoulders.

Happy Thanksgiving, to all of my families.


Foreknowledge: Knowledge or awareness of something before its existence or occurrence . It’s an ugly damn word. It is just not elegant at all. But, foreknowledge is very very important to me in general and in poly.  I don’t need the details. I don’t need to know you’re juggling rainbow colored dildos and keeping three plates spinning on sticks while having sex with your new partner in the back of a clown car.  Details would amuse the hell out of me, but aren’t necessary. But, I do need to know you’re having sex with the new partner. I need to know you’re exploring D/s with your new partner. I need to know for my own mental and physical health, so I can keep track of your mental and physical health and for the health of our relationship. And I need to know before it’s a public announcement. I’d really like to know when you first start talking about big changes with the new partner. It makes me feel out of the loop with you, my partner, when you don’t keep me up to date.  And I really, REALLY like to know *before* the facts come up in a casual context from the new partner. Because then I feel out of the loop and disrespected. When I know that’s not how you(and hopefully the new partner) are intending the news.

I’ve had to have this conversation with both R & D this past week… and I hope(and they both say they do) they both feel that we’re back on an even keel because I’m not angry with either of them. Our relationships are still developing and no matter how long you’ve been together, miscommunication can happen at anytime.  Being clear  and transparent on the facts and on the definitions of your relationships, and hell disagreements too, helps all of us stay up to date on how things are fluxing, or settling.  And.. I’m a fixer… If there’s an issue gods damnit I want to know, so I can commiserate and offer advice even when the issue isn’t between one of the boys and I. If they are having a disagreement with one of the other partners, maybe I’ll have an insight that can help. Maybe not, but fuck I can try. Try to keep everyone happy, my loves and their loves too.

I’ll do what I want.

I’m an ADULT. You can’t buy me hot dog man… yeah.

And I have no idea why that was pertinent to today… But it made me giggle to watch the video again. Especially watching Ryan Reynolds tase (taze?) Andy Samberg in the ass.  It makes me happy inside.. I feel like little fuzzy bunnies are hopping around a rainbow while unicorns frolic under a waterfall of deliciousness. Ryan Reynolds could TOTALLY, ok I *might*, maybe,  let him  do something to my ass.  Not tasering… You know what I mean.  Nudge nudge. Snap snap. Grin grin, wink wink, say no more?

But bunnies are evil, mean,  vicious creatures and death awaits you all with nasty, sharp, pointy teeth. Lookit the BONES!! I warned you! I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no.. you know it all didn’t you? Ooh, it’s just a harmless little bunny! Isn’t it?!


Twisted Temple

So.  I’ve always had very, very vivid dreams. Bright, saturated colors, fine details, and an urgent immediacy to all the events, smells, sights, tastes, and the physical & emotional feelings.  Say I am dreaming that I’m on fire? I smell the smoke, choke, lungs screaming, have trouble breathing; feel the flames, my skin crisping and curling, cracking and splitting. I can smell myself cooking, feel the blood boiling under my skin, taste the ashes, every nerve shrieking, feel my throat breaking on my screams. Bathed in terror, searing heat. And time seems to slow. I have an extremely perverse and strong imagination.

Last night, I had one of my recurring nightmares. You know how when you’re dreaming sometimes you can’t see someone’s face, but you know exactly who they are? In this dream the beginning’s always the same… my ‘boyfriend’ meets me at my house,  it’s summer, I live out in the country, no close neighbors,  I’m sunbathing when he gets there… and then things are different every time I have the dream.  Sometimes we fight, sometimes not. Sometimes we sneak off and make love, sometimes not.  But at some point… he starts trying to kill me. Sometimes violently, sometimes quietly. Once he poisoned my drink, once he skinned me alive and left me to bleed to death. I have this dream 3-4 times a month. No set schedule… sometimes 3 days running,  sometimes a week or more in between instances. The one constant, the one thing that never changes? I never live. Sometimes I manage to kill him as I’m dying, but I never kill him and live.

Had that dream last night…  I died particularly violently this time. He slipped something in my drink that knocked me out and when I woke up, he had me tied up and proceeded to torture me for what seemed like forever.  Just laughing the whole time.  Knives, pinchers, red hot pokers, every clichéd little torture weapon there is out there. And when I quit screaming for him… he burned me alive.

And as if my psyche hadn’t felt I was tortured enough last night… Then I had a dream that everyone in my life that I cared about… family, friends, lovers, kids literally every one; had been taken, taken and stashed away in this weird religious enclave. And I had to make it through this twisted, torturous, maze of a temple to save them. Which is *not* a dream I’ve had before… but was very very frightening, frustrating, and I failed.  I failed to save them, and got to watch as they died… a few choice people pulled out of the crowd and killed individually. Then the rest, and the bodies of the ones already dead.. blown up in the temple.

I think it’s entirely possible my mind hates me.