Archive for December, 2010


Fuckery

The holidays/depression/life are having a fantastic time ass-raping me right now, so let’s not interrupt their fun! I’ll pick the blog back up after the new year.

Advertisements

Scares

There have been a couple of different scares this week. Ones that shall remain private, even “anonymously”. But they have triggered other thoughts for me. What if I’m doing this whole poly thing wrong? How do I decide what’s wrong or not? Why do I have certain requirements for one partner and different ones for the other? What is ‘unreasonably’ selfish of me and what’s not? How do I balance what *I* need to remain happy with my boys, and their OSOs needs?

I don’t like admitting to being selfish, even when it is something I feel I need. So, here I will say, ‘Yes, I know I am being selfish.’ But, damn it my needs matter. As much as I have a responsibility to help with my partners’ happy, I have a higher responsibility to me. Right now, my relationships are both ‘new’ and I will defend them strongly. In time will I become more secure and sure of my place(whatever the hell that means)? Yes, of course I will. But… until then I’m not going to cave in on the things I need. Even when they seem/are selfish. There are things both of the boys share with OSOs that I would love to share with them, but cannot for various reasons. Poly does *not* mean Equality to me. And yes, there’s a part of me that feels bitchy for saying it that way. But it’s my truth.

I feel like R and I didn’t give enough time to ‘us’ before B was added. So part of the issues there are not *B*, they are that almost anyone’s added weight would have knocked the scales off balance. I am extremely lucky in the fact that the addition of D did not ruin the balance with R. I feel like I’ve been the unintentional catalyst in issues between D and his SO. I try to balance my relationships, I want to feel the same level of *importance* for both the boys, but it’s never going to be equal. They both offer different things and I give different things to them both. Another part of the issues with R and I is that our views on poly differ so much. He strives for equality. I say it’s not possible. Striking a balance for us… is going to be an effort. But, there is so much potential and love and delight there, gods it is worth the effort.

Focus

It has been a little longer than usual since my last post. There’ve been some really, really busy days and a lot of soul searching going on amongst my relationships.

Saturday, there was a kink event; I had a wonderful time, scened with both the boys. They both had scenes with their OSOs(other significant others). I thought the evening, with only two moments of exception, was wonderful. R’s newest relationship B was there with us. Our agreement(R&I) is that event time is shared. No matter who’s day it is by the schedule. And that part of it went *very* well. We had neglected to clarify with her what our expectations were during scene time, which to me is from the time either of the boys comes to get me(whether we wait 20 min for a station or 2min) until a mutually agreed end to our aftercare. My expectations of that time is that it is not interrupted by *any* OSOs unless it’s a co-operative scene with more than one of them. There were two moments that she came to speak with him during the beginning and end of our scene time.

Now, I was fine with that, I realized after the initial flinching that we hadn’t discussed it so I couldn’t blame her for not knowing. I was irritated however that she decided to pout about being asked to not interrupt aftercare and end the night poorly for R. With that and some concerns about the scheduling, I asked for a ‘group meeting’ with R, H, B and I. To discuss scene expectations, shared time expectations, and the schedule. Scheduled it for last night. I thought it mostly went well, I made a concession to B schedule wise, she agreed to the scene expectations, and almost everything was heard. What was skipped, that I had to bring up again today to R was ‘shared time’ and where his focus is expected to be.

My expectation is, who ever’s time of the schedule it is, that’s the person his focus should be on. Not that the other relationships are ignored or treated poorly, but that his main energy would be focused on the person on the schedule for that time. Which sounds so much more complicated than it is. If it’s my time with you, I want your focus. How is that difficult? But that particular issue is hard and causing upheavals. I will say, I understand that B is younger, not just in years but in mentality at times, too. And sometimes demanding and selfish. But, honestly? We are all demanding and selfish in our own ways. We all want our relationships to work. We all want everyone involved to be happy.

R has agreed to be mindful of B’s cling level and how often she invites herself to time that is mine. So.. again we are working, growing and adjusting.

Emotional Needs

Frustration seems to be ruling me today. Frustration, irritation and fear. It’s easy for me to sit back and pinpoint which interaction starts this feeling. It’s much harder to talk about it, to work out a solution and not feel like I’m complaining. Because, gods I hate being ‘the whiny one’. And yeah, I know that’s a label I apply to myself… no one else is applying that label to me. sigh

I’m willing to be patient, to wait for what I need. (Situational issues… are different) But where does waiting turn into neglect? Neglect of myself, my relationship, my love. It’s so difficult for me to stand up for my emotional needs. I don’t like feeling like I’m demanding, whining, bitching about what I need and am not getting. To stand up and say *this* is what I am worth, what I *need.* I catch myself most of the time putting the boys’ needs before my own. And while I try to keep them happy… I slowly become unhappy. I’m trying to be better about it and let them know when I start feeling like I’m insignificant.

I try to rule my temper with an iron fist because dear gods, it is hard to not blow up on certain people. And blowing up is not helpful. I don’t want to be ‘the bitch’ either. And it is a long, long path from ‘I’ll tolerate you.’ to ‘Let’s include you!’. And, yes, ‘Let’s include you!’ is the long term goal. But you have to work at it too, I’m not going to pull your half of the load on that one. *grits teeth* And I am not the only one who sees the issues. And, yes, his handling of things has and is frustrating me, too.

So that covers frustration and irritation… Fear. I’ve always feared sharing how I really feel about things. As much as I love my family; they were very much a bad, bad influence on my emotional health. My opinions never mattered, you did as you were told and that was that. There was no talking about how I felt, because how I felt was always wrong. So, I learned to shut up and keep my feelings/opinions to myself. Because sharing always made the situation worse.

So… now I am faced with situations where communication is *most* important and I have to fight myself to get there every time. And always, always in the back of my heart & mind is the fear. Fear that standing up for me will make me appear whiny, cause bigger problems or a break up. Because, yeah what the boys think of me matters. A lot.

It’d be nice if I wasn’t the only one standing up for me sometimes.