There have been a couple of different scares this week. Ones that shall remain private, even “anonymously”. But they have triggered other thoughts for me. What if I’m doing this whole poly thing wrong? How do I decide what’s wrong or not? Why do I have certain requirements for one partner and different ones for the other? What is ‘unreasonably’ selfish of me and what’s not? How do I balance what *I* need to remain happy with my boys, and their OSOs needs?

I don’t like admitting to being selfish, even when it is something I feel I need. So, here I will say, ‘Yes, I know I am being selfish.’ But, damn it my needs matter. As much as I have a responsibility to help with my partners’ happy, I have a higher responsibility to me. Right now, my relationships are both ‘new’ and I will defend them strongly. In time will I become more secure and sure of my place(whatever the hell that means)? Yes, of course I will. But… until then I’m not going to cave in on the things I need. Even when they seem/are selfish. There are things both of the boys share with OSOs that I would love to share with them, but cannot for various reasons. Poly does *not* mean Equality to me. And yes, there’s a part of me that feels bitchy for saying it that way. But it’s my truth.

I feel like R and I didn’t give enough time to ‘us’ before B was added. So part of the issues there are not *B*, they are that almost anyone’s added weight would have knocked the scales off balance. I am extremely lucky in the fact that the addition of D did not ruin the balance with R. I feel like I’ve been the unintentional catalyst in issues between D and his SO. I try to balance my relationships, I want to feel the same level of *importance* for both the boys, but it’s never going to be equal. They both offer different things and I give different things to them both. Another part of the issues with R and I is that our views on poly differ so much. He strives for equality. I say it’s not possible. Striking a balance for us… is going to be an effort. But, there is so much potential and love and delight there, gods it is worth the effort.