Archive for March, 2011


On R(emembering)…

Yes, I’m thinking on you again. Some people might be wondering “Why?”

I don’t know. Some things just won’t go away.

I know what’s my fault. I fell in love with you. It happens seldom enough that when I do fall, it’s significant.

I miss you a lot.

Not the you who restricted me out of your life…the you that you were when we were happy. The you that made me smile and laugh. The you who would talk for hours about yourself and your worries, wants and loves. The you who sang me Tim Minchin songs in bed. The you who couldn’t keep your hands off me.

I wasn’t looking for you at all. I didn’t even know who you were when you found me. You asked me out. I told you all the things that would make that difficult. I gave you an itemized list: distance, my kids, time needs, old wounds, other love interests, etc… I gave you fair warning about who I was and what I needed. I asked if you were dating anyone outside of your wife, who is a friend. You said no.

You pushed. You pushed hard. You wanted a strong secondary relationship. Not a primary, you had H and I had D; but for me to have a strong influence in your life and you in mine. We started calling it ‘main’ cause it wasn’t exactly primary… but wasn’t exactly secondary either.

I relented. I had no hopes for the evening to turn out well. You charmed me. You made me laugh.

You encouraged me to let down my guard. I worried about emotional attachment. About becoming attached too quickly. You encouraged it and you said you were becoming attached too. I loved.

Finally, you had me. For almost two months, things went well. You started dating another secondary, B. One that you had omitted spending 2-3 nights a week with when I had asked if you were dating. There were issues with scheduling from the start. All the things we had agreed on for us, didn’t work for her. All the things you said you didn’t want to do with her, she wanted.

Suddenly, the majority of our time was being used up, not to meet our needs together; but to meet B’s needs.

That’s when you stopped pulling me to you and got distant. That’s when other omissions started becoming clear. That’s when you started pushing me away. That’s when our relationship started being last on your list. That’s when you started shutting me out of parts of your life. Kink. Public time. Energy. Focus. Communication. Sex.

I asked if you were done? Being me, though, when you said no, you loved me; my immediate thought was that you meant it. Because I don’t play mind games. When you offered things to me, it didn’t occur to me that those would become ‘ways I restricted you’ or ‘things that I asked for’ later. I believed in you because I loved you.

I wanted to save what we had…because I was in love with you.

We made it through the holidays and then you needed a ‘break’. You were stepping back from both me and B and would talk with each of us about our schedule. In the mean time, we’d each see you one evening, shared; and one night, alone.

I tried to sort out what went wrong. I thought maybe I made a mistake. You punished me for placing restrictions on you that I never asked for and then you punished me for trying to fix what was now broken. You accused me of manipulating you. I didn’t get time with you for 2 weeks.

We all shared a non-kink weekend event. You didn’t seem to miss me at all. I had to ask for time alone to reconnect. You commented about how we were so easy together afterward. I found out during that weekend that you’d already taken back B.

I waited another two weeks for you to talk with me about our schedule. We had a weekend long kink event, you and me and B. I left that weekend feeling like I had to force you to spend time with me.

Two days after the event I finally broke down and had to ask you what my schedule was going to be with you. And you cut me further out of your life and cut our time down from what our relationship started with by two thirds.

One night a week.

Really one night a month since I’d have to share that night with your other partners 3 out of 4 weeks a month. And you couldn’t explain how that was fair to us or me.

I asked about options:

Could we alternate another night between me and another of your partners?
No.

Could you let me know when you had days off so I could hermit with you like your other partners?
No.

Could I come up to you on a week night and spend a few hours, though I couldn’t stay overnight cause I’d have to get the kids off to school in the morning?
Maybe. Sometimes. Not every week. You weren’t sure.

Could I be included in your community meetings, like your other partners?
No.

Could we make a time during the day that was ours?
No, daytimes were for you.

Could you give me a phone call one or two nights a week?
No. You hated talking on the phone.

I asked again how was that what we had wanted out of our relationship. How was that fair to us. How was that going to meet our needs as a couple.

And you were done. You quit. I ‘wanted too much’. I couldn’t give you the ‘distance’ you needed. I was ‘unhealthy for you’.

All of 4 hours after completely rewriting our relationship, you were done.

And I didn’t and don’t understand; what I wanted from you at the end of our relationship was the same thing we both said we wanted at the beginning… and you insisted that you still wanted those things too.

And I’m still left with not understanding. I can’t get the answers from you. We haven’t really talked for a while. Not really talked. I try to keep it light, because it still hurts when you get angry or defensive or blame me for us breaking. Suddenly, I’m the only one at fault. You won’t admit to doing anything wrong. You can’t see the other things that affected us. My truth is ‘just my perception’ and your truth is the truth.

I know there were things I did that were wrong for you. You’ve said so. But you won’t talk to me about what they were. You won’t explain how they were wrong. You won’t explain why you hid them from me for so long. You won’t explain when you started feeling them. I don’t want to fill in the blanks myself, cause that’s not fair to either of us. So the questions simply sit there. And occasionally fly around my heart and cut me again.

You don’t seem to miss me. You didn’t seem to mourn us at all. Most of the time you act like we don’t still have feelings for each other.

It’s been six weeks.

And at some point, I admitted to myself that I was missing you still. I feel foolish because I still care, still miss you and still want to fix what didn’t need to break. I want to talk about burying the past and getting back together. Trying us, now, out for size. Not a primary, we both already have one. But a solid secondary relationship. And that was when I realized it wouldn’t matter… we’d had that. And it wasn’t worth enough to you to protect it or fight for it.

I started writing an email. About what I’d need that was ‘less’ or ‘different’ than what I needed before. And that was when I realized I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW if you would just pull away again. That was when I realized I don’t have lower needs from you. Focus, energy, sex, kink; all based during time that was ours. My time with you being treated with respect by you and B. Being treated fairly. Not being shut out of your life. Open, honest, clear communication. Remaining honest with me about your sexual activities, for our safety.

I had never asked you for your focus during time that was someone else’s. H’s time was hers and I respected that. B’s time was hers and I respected that. I never had to be everywhere you went. I was perfectly able to greet you, show my love and say goodnight without interfering in your time with another partner when we all ended up in the same space.

But if I asked for the same respect, I was being selfish. I was interfering. I was ‘trying to take things away’. I was being ‘negative’. I was ‘isolating’ you. I was being ‘manipulative’.

But it doesn’t end there.

I still can’t turn off the caring. I still miss you. I still love you. I don’t particularly like you right now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you like crazy.

You can’t stop either.

We still talk everyday. You still ask me for my advice. I still talk to you about my day. We still spend time together within the community.

Why can’t I turn you off? I’ve never had a relationship sour so quickly, never been accused the way you accused me, never been treated as… low in value as you treated me at the end. I’ve had years long poly relationships in the past. More than one. What happened?

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Curiousity

Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.

One of the best things, that feeds my mind/heart/soul; is learning and the satisfaction that comes from getting answers. Learning the What, Where, When, Why, and How? I like to know how things work. Whether it’s a toaster or my loves’ minds. Why do you prefer A over B? Why does your mind follow this process? How did you get from A to B? When did you decide this? Why is this what you want? How can I help you with those things? Why can’t I help you with these things?

Learning your partner’s likes; food, favorite restaurants, the types of shampoo, soap, how they take coffee, etc. Learning their moods, styles, friends, needs, wants, desires. Learning how they think, tease, show affection. Learning about who annoys them, thrills them, amuses them. Are they a gamer? A Nerd? A Jock? Do they clean the house every week? Where do they keep things? What do they like to read? What type of movies do they like? Music? What do they do to relax? Do they share well? Is their mattress hurting them? Depression? Anxiety? Medications? Old injuries?

Poly? How do they act/react to their other partners? Do they obsess over one? Can they say no to all of their relationships? Yes? What’s their public decorum policy? Is it different for each partner? Why? Do they include every partner in all aspects of their life? Do they separate kink/non-kink parts to different partners? Are they 24/7 or just ‘when they can’? Are they out to their family? Friends? Other loves? Do they share well? Do they fall victim to NRE? How do they label? Do their labels match yours? Do they fall victim to ‘Oh, shiny!’? Are you it? What is your role? Did they explain it? Did you understand it? Are you sure? Did they understand you? Are you sure? How do they communicate? How do your partner(s) express their love? Do you recognize it when they do?

The answers satisfy my basic thirst for knowledge… and then; taking all of the answers, processing them and finding ways to love your partner better or meet their needs better or adjustments that need to be made fulfills my nurture-and-care-for side. Nothing, and I mean nothing hurts me worse than being ignored, neglected, or my partner(s) making assumptions about any of my answers. ASK me the questions, TALK to me about my needs and the reasons behind them, STOP assuming you know what I am thinking or feeling. Assuming my answer, whether it’s a positive or a negative, takes away my free will and my consent.

You want to change our sex policy because you feel restricted? Ok, then we need to talk about that; Why it makes you feel restricted, what you want to change, how you want to implement it, when you want to change it, and with whom? If you assume that I won’t be willing? You’re doing us both a disservice and stifling our relationship. I could say: ‘Yes!’ or ‘No!’ or ‘with protection, yes!’ or any number of answers. But, when you assume my answer will be ‘NO!’ and base your actions on that assumption… you are taking away my choices.

Relationships are about learning. Growing. Loving. Changing. They are not about assumptions.

Learning, growing, loving and changing… Living. Learning each other together. Growing through mutual respect. Loving each other with all your soul. Changing to meet each others needs. Living, together.

Ordinary Quality

Ordinary time is quality time. Everyday activities are not just necessities that keep you from extra-ordinary tasks: they are the best opportunities for learning and growth you can give your relationship… to gain knowledge of the day-to-day life your partner takes for granted and grow new habits together.

The everyday things are important. Having undivided attention from each partner is a powerful way to reconnect. Each partner deserves individual quality time, simply by virtue of being your partner and being loved. If you’re mixing the majority of your time with multiple partners; you aren’t meeting individual quality time needs. I understand the appeal of having multiple partners to spend time with at once, but each individual relationship needs quality time too. Each dyad needs to have quality interaction(i.e. not just sleeping!) time; regardless of the overall shape(triad, quad, quint?).

What ordinary things constitutes quality time with my partner as a dyad? Showering together. A cup of coffee before I head to work. Driving in the car together. Cuddling on the couch. Watching a movie. Talking for hours with no distractions. Lying naked in bed while he sings silly songs to me. Playing video games together. Being taught D&D. Swapping web comics. Going to the grocery store. Brushing his hair. Scratching his back. Taking a night to stay in. Making a toy together. Playing a board game with the kids. Fixing things around the house. Going to community meetings. Helping friends move. Drinks with friends. And more…

And those are ordinary things; I’m not including sex, kink, D/s, spiritual, intellectual, physical, public, COMMUNICATION or other needs. Most of the ordinary things meet not only quality time needs, but at least one of the other needs too.

Do all of those things for each partner.. do not try to mash them together. Do try to get alone time with each partner, do not try to squeeze all your needs or partners into one time. I understand that play parties, nights at the club, spending time a group of friends are all fun and, yes, things to include in each relationship. But quality time does not imply doing anything out of the ordinary. It is the accumulated day-to-day interactions, not trips to the circus, that have the deepest positive affect on a relationship. And the deepest negative affect, when quality time is ignored or neglected.

On being a switch… Sadist/Masochist

I feel I must add a disclaimer: All switches are different. Covering every type of switch is simply impossible. So please, bear in mind that I am only discussing how switching works for me.

I read somewhere a note comparing a switch to Schrodinger’s Cat… And it’s a wonderful comparison except for the fact that it represents a yes/no dichotomy rather than a gradient. Most switches I know are not 50/50 sub/dom, they are a spectrum of their needs. For me, figuring out which side is prominent is affected greatly by the energy of whom I am interacting with… I have met Doms who I feel submissive to and others to whom I feel Dominant. I’ve met subs who I feel Dominant to and others to whom I feel submissive. I’ve met switches that stir up both energies. And I’ve met far more people who trigger nothing than I expected.

Today though, I want to talk about being a Sadist and being a Masochist. For me, S/M is intermingled amongst the whole Dom/sub/switch label and my S/M is mental and physical, not emotional.

Sadist: someone who derives sexual gratification from inflicting pain on others.

When I’m Top/Dom… I want to hurt you. I crave your tears, moans, growls and screams. I love to see the welts and bruises rise up through your skin. I want to fuck with your mind and body and twist you into a sobbing, thrashing, crying, quivering heap of flesh.

When I’m bottom/sub… I want to sink my nails into your skin when I orgasm. I want to gag myself with your flesh. I want to lash out at you with everything I have in me. I want to push you off the bed when we wrestle and slap you when you attack me. I want to fight and hurt you and push my brain to find a way to escape you.

All of those things excite me, bring me sexual gratification, and are vastly, vastly enjoyable. I don’t need any of them everytime I scene or play. But, they are delightful.

Masochist: someone who derives sexual gratification from receiving pain.

When I’m bottom/sub… I want to cry. I want to be afraid. I want every nerve singing, screaming and writhing. I want to moan and scream and curse you. I want welts, bruises, bitemarks. I want muscles that ache days later, rubby spots from all night sex, and your marks on my body. I want mental exhaustion from trying to process the pain.

When I’m Top/Dom… I want to sweat. I want muscles that burn from beating your ass. I want my fingers to hurt from how hard I dig my nails into your flesh. I want jaw muscles that ache from biting you. I want legs and arms that are sore from holding you down. I want my wrists to twinge from beating you. I want to be mentally exhausted from thinking up new ways to hurt you.

All of those things excite me, bring me sexual gratification, and are vastly, vastly enjoyable. I don’t need any of them everytime I scene or play. But, they are delightful.