Archive for July, 2011

Decisions. Some hard decisions are coming up for me over the next few months. I’m going to be moving… I have wanted to move for years, it was just not feasible. And now, I don’t see anyway to avoid it at this point. So not an ideal situation.

To complicate that I have to worry about the kids… a good school, babysitting, the ‘trauma’ of moving, changes in their routine and just general kid worries! How’s my family going to handle me moving out of their sphere of influence? My parents especially and to a lesser extent my siblings all seem to think that they should be running my life.

Yay for family dynamics!

I have some decisions to make around my relationship with D too. He’s started a new job which is going to put us on different schedules for the foreseeable future. (I just realized how ugly ‘foreseeable’ is strictly in a visual sense. shudders) We’re talking about the adjustments that will leave us with sorting out… time: for kink, M/s,  sex, family, friends, and for just *being* together. We’ve talked about how most likely I’ll be going to a lot of events without him. Which, yes, I’ve done before. And I’m perfectly capable of doing so again. Just… not my favorite idea.

And with both of us soon to be looking for a new place… we’ve discussed moving in — together. Decisions, decisions.
Time. Much has changed  over the last 6 months. A lot of things and relationships and interactions. D and I have moved forward in our relationship on multiple levels and exploring as much as reality will allow. R ended our relationship. Money issues and school and babysitters and on and on have all changed.

T, with whom I had a mutual committed interest, and I discussed just today how that interest has changed/not changed. sigh And the conclusion was that it needs to adjust from ‘committed interest here, waiting for the right time’ to ‘this is my good friend, possibly occasional play partner’. He’s picked up some new responsibilities (work and relationship) lately and with those, his life is busy. Which is, of course, understandable… but upsetting. Sometimes I hate being practical.

Though I was told today that my being ‘imminently practical and full of blunt clarity’ is a loved characteristic. Thank you, D.

Here did she fall a tear, here in this place
I’ll set a bank of rue, sour herb of grace.
-William Shakespeare

Rue. sighs Quite a bit has happened in the last 6 months that have tested my grace. Mainly, the ending of the relationship with R. And I’m struggling to a certain extent now to establish a scening relationship with him, without lingering pain and regret lacing that or harming our friendship. I’m biting my tongue a lot, a LOT at the “objections” coming in from B… they seem to be really similar(exactly) the issues I got accused of being ‘my fault’ and used as reasons for ending our relationship… hmmm…double standard, much?

Ooh, was that catty or blunt clarity again? Either way, more a club than a stiletto, I suppose.

Kids and kink and community

I often find myself in a spot of having to stay home from some gathering, not play party, because I don’t have/can’t afford a babysitter. Or because I already spent too much time away from the kids that week.  A lot of my friends either don’t have kids or don’t have their kids 24/7 like I do. I know a few people who only have their kids on sporadic occasions. That’s a whole different peeve depending on circumstances.

So, it’s difficult for them to remember? or relate to?

And I find that it’s difficult for me on a couple of levels not to feel resentment? No, that’s not the right emotion… because no one’s causing me injury.

Frustration? Maybe. Yes, definitely.

Envy.. not really because I’m making the choices that are best for my family. Maybe a little envious of the extra time that others seem to have?

And I’m a little frustrated by the lack of ‘family’ stuff the community has available. Again not the play parties, obviously… but there’s the community picnic once a year and… sounds of crickets… Really? Yes, I get that a lot of what we do is ‘adult’ oriented but again I don’t mean parties. And sure there are munches… Usually at bars. Again not really family friendly.

I mean things like learning how to serve tea.  Learning how to take care of leather boots. Things like that don’t require nudity. And really? What’s wrong with kids seeing those sorts of things?

And maybe I’m just more open with some of the stuff in my life. I don’t know. But my kids have seen me practice flogging and dragon’s tongue. Hell, I make both of them at home. They’ve seen me run a violet wand. And sort my rope. And carry various handfuls of implements between rooms when I’m packing for events. My fire kit sits in the front room of my house because I’m a lazy bitch and it’s heavy. And my toy box is at the end of my bed because I’m a lazy bitch and that’s the most handy spot. They’ve seen most of my fetish wear too… boots and corsets and skirts and such…

I guess I don’t understand this huge separation. I’ve always made sure to keep a balance between ‘matter-of-fact’ and ‘too-much-info’ for the kids. Neither of them are the worse for wear. Then again I’ve never understood the point of making your kids embarrassed of their bodies, their drives, or the fact that people have sex sometimes! Or that everyone is not the same…and that seems to be a prevalent mindset that people are teaching their kids anymore.

Maybe I’m just expecting  too much inclusion in a group that prides itself on inclusion?