Category: Family


Yes, yes, that’s a HIMYM joke. I am a dork. 😛

Argh! Where to start even? Let’s see… With this post I’ll have officially matched the number of times I posted last year! Yay? It’s an improvement, yes? Yes.

New job has been acquired. Secretary at a church..I keep getting laughter when I tell folks that..I can’t imagine why. Well, ok, I can but seriously people, I do have a spiritual/religious side, I’m just quiet about it. Oh, also, it is already more fulfilling than the last one! So, yay! again!

Pushing boundaries and enriching myself… well, i’m heading back to school FULL TIME! in a couple of weeks and have what looks like a two associates and two certificates scheduled out (provided I can manage the class loads and pass everything)! Now, I know I get super planny when it comes to work/school so that may get scaled down in time, without disappointment(I hope) on my part. I will be letting go of a duty to a local kink group as well…while I enjoyed working with them and have no complaints at all about the group in particular, the happiness I had felt with it in the beginning waned recently and I felt it was time to move on before resentment kicked in. I wish them the best and hope that if they need my help in the transition they ask and that works out smoothly as well.

If my allergies weren’t SO FUCKING BAD right now, I’d be working in the yard instead of talking to y’all so ‘improvements’ on the outside of the house are at a halt for the time being. We’re all(D, me, the kids) starting to pick up social things we’d like to do more regularly or at least deciding which ones we’d like to do that work with our schedules.

Kink. Has kind of been on hold or really sporadic lately.. I need to sort out with D & O some ways to work on that without me coming across as a demanding bitch. We’ll work it out, I’m sure.

So with all the changes and upheaval my depression’s been odd off and on and I just have to keep reminding myself that these changes have been GOOD and improvements over where we were a year ago for the most part. It’s not always easy, but the boys have been fantastic about helping with reminders and putting up with my occasional cranky/weepy days. D especially. I loves you hun!

Oh, and major props (salute!) to O on his ability to get the evil out. wink, wink, nudge, nudge

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Random radio ramblings…

Woot, only three weeks between posts this time! And I’m prefacing this one with: this is strictly *fantasy* and I’m not planning on killing anyone. Contemplate that, folks. 😉

So, I listen to this morning show on the way to work each day, mostly because I’m a lazy bum about getting podcasts downloaded to the phone, and they’re funnyish. And this morning they were talking discussing a news article where a woman tried to kill her husband by poisoning her ‘undercarriage’.  I like ‘undercarriage’ because that may have been the *only* amusing line from the Dukes of Hazzard movie, which was all in all a perversion and tragedy rolled up in suckage; but I digress.

So, anyway, woman tries to poison husband through cunnilingus! Amusing and disturbing. Also, pretty damn stupid.

The radio hosts asked for callers to ‘for fun’ call in and describe how they would poison their spouses. A few were funny, but then the station static-ed out and I trailed off into my own ‘how I would poison’ fantasy land. *grins*

So, D, just in case you were wondering; yes, I have contemplated your death and how I would do it… poison would not be my first choice. But, if I were going that route, it would be the coffee.

You had to know that, right? It’d be easy and I’d be able to say that I had ‘just been in too much of a hurry’ to get my own before I left in the morning. And you’d know it was me… because let’s be honest, I’m not the ‘stab in the back’ kinda gal. I don’t do revenge or gossip or rumors and I’m more likely to tell you to your face that I think you’re a douche than anything else. Plus there’s that side of me that wants you to know it was me.

I don’t want you to think you’re having a heart attack or some stomach issue or what have you just before you die… I want you to be thinking about how I; your adoring, loving, slightly whacked out sweetie fucking killed you.

But hey, this is all just fantasy and weirdness that is my mind. *smiles*  OR IS IT?!

2013 is going to be a banner year! Because I say so, that’s why. *grins* I’m going to be listing somethings here for reference and accountability(to myself). Let’s start with my resolutions…

1. Blog more! I only posted 3 times last year! That makes me super sad… I’d love to say post weekly, but I’m going to aim for twice a month, with more being better. Plus, I’d like to get more views, followers and countries tuning in.. It’s currently at 2 followers(something between facebook and wordpress lost me 13 followers?), 930 individual views, and 41 countries! The US, the UK, and Brazil are the front runners.

2. Get a new job. One I like. One that’s fulfilling. I am so so tired of being mindnumb and out of work at work!

3. Push boundaries and enrich myself. With D, in our D/s, kink and family. With O(you’ll meet him later!) I want to be unafraid of exploring fully. With P, M, H, T… renewing friendship or expanding on the same. Go to more classes, participate in the groups I’m already a member of, find new/old joy in crafting, art, love! I’m so hopeful right now.

4. Find ways to make the new house our home! We’re finally out of the small town and closer to friends. I want to be sure that the kids, D and I explore all the ‘new’ things that we are able to do and experience now!

5. Enjoy my life. There’s been so much stress, change(good and bad), and upheaval in the last year… I want to be more mindful of what I have, who I am, who I love, and giving all of my relationships with friends, family, loves… the best I have in me.

Boy, that was sappy and joyful… I’m going to have to hand in my ‘I’m a Tough Bitch’ card.

Joy & Change

I’m combining these for the moment… So many good changes for me this past fall. We moved out of the small town to the city. We both have exciting, new(well, newer for me, D’s have been longer) and(crosses fingers) what look like very very solid new relationships with… dare I say it, long term potential! EEEEE! Yes, that was a girlish squeal! Mark. The. Calendars.

So, I suppose it’s time to introduce O to the narrative? I don’t know, sometimes I like to imagine the suffering you all go thru when I don’t update you (yeah, right!). Well, let’s see… It’s been just under two years since I’ve dated anyone. D has me and newer (less than a year?) relationships with P and M. Love both the girls, they are great fun and confidantes of mine in their own ways, as well as loves for D.

M is married to L, they have both been my friends for years, the kids all get along well and L has often escorted me to events when D was unavailable, though we don’t scene or date each other. 

P is married to O. He’s intrigued me in a quiet way for a bit now. Like, ‘Hmm. Who’s this? Oh, yeah, that guy. The one with that weirdly intriguing energy, big smile and wild look in ‘is eye. I should try to get to know him.” Then something would happen, or I’d remember how crappily my last relationship went, and I wouldn’t.

Then D started seeing P… and slowly we all started spending time together off and on. And…”Yeah, he’s damn fucking intriguing. Awesome conversation about blood and death and how alike we think on these things over here. Damn we’re weird… awesome.” And things would happen, like moving and getting the kids adjusted to the new house/school/schedule.

And that finally all slowed down, and I lost patience with myself and pushed for dating.. with minor bumps, now we are… and he’s surprising. This relationship is surprising. I am feeling NRE, but it’s without the level of ‘frantic’ I usually feel. I’m fighting with myself to not just open up the majority of my shields to him and enjoy. And I’m wondering why I’m fighting it. And there’s a deep and quiet joy within me. Plus, he likes hanging out as a group or with the kids(combined) and that’s important! I’m trying to not get ahead of myself, but I’m so very hopeful and pleased. And once I ask how he feels about my discussing our sexual escapades here, I may get to share… If not, let me just say damn. Seriously.

Change. Everyday I am so thankful and happy and immersed in my relationship with D. If I was in the sappy mood, hey it happens from time to time, there might be mention of soulmates and girly shit like that. 😉 He is so very, very good for me and I hope I am as good or better for him. If I was in a proud mood, I wouldn’t even question it. I am.

But our relationship is changing, deepening, we’re into our third year together and creating our home and family to a deeper extent than before… and our D/s and kink and reevaluating where we want to take them. Plus changes in his work, hopefully mine soon as well and maybe, looking at some edumacation opportunities at the end of this year? I don’t know, and definitely want that at some point… but let’s stick to creating our home, deepening our family, our love, and expanding all of those things as well. And exploring the new!

Updates…

I’m stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck. Stuck in a hurting, crying, depressed, angry, bleak, uncaring, fruitless and unhappy place. Not completely… the kids and D are bright lights. But, I seem to have lost my coping mechs that I learned in therapy a few years ago. That or they’ve served their purpose and I need new ones.

Housing, work, family, love life issues. laughs The same things everyone worries about, yes?

I originally had the above saved as a beginning draft on Sept. 9th. And reading it again now… I still feel stuck. But, I’m not hurting, angry. Nor do I feel like my circumstances are fruitless or that I don’t care.

I’m still fighting housing issues and may not be moving as soon as I had hoped. I’m still struggling with money issues. I’m still in a job I dislike and find thankless and uninspiring.

But I have my kids. I have D. My love life has had it’s ups and downs in the last year, but I’m thankful even for the painful ending with R. That and a couple of good friends who have decided to remain good friends have given me some good lessons in patience.

Though it is an irritant that R’s interactions with me seem to be based on his ‘omigodshe’sstillhunguponmegetbackfoulbeast!’ rather than my ‘hey we’re still friends, hope everything’s alright.’ Meh. I can’t solve everything and am focusing on myself and my family first.

Appreciating what I have. Delighting in an old friend grown into a love interest again. I’ll be introducing him soon.

I’ve had so many new experiences this year both singly and with D. At COPE in September, we co-topped together for multiple scenes. We’re all still getting compliments on one of those. And it was indeed delightful.

And he’s seeing me go through depression and stress and how I cope and finding ways to help me and other ways to just support me and let me feel. Slowly, carefully we are finding our way and path and joy together, through this and growing closer each day.

Finding out who my real friends are through this… The people who actually notice and care. Who reach out. smiles Even if it’s just with a ‘Hey, we miss you.’

Yes. I miss you all too.

About love…

For me, part of loving a person is love as a noun. Loving all of them; for their potential, personality, their flaws and quirks. Loving them whether they fail or succeed. My love doesn’t come with strings, my love is just about how much someone matters to me. About how much I hope for their joy. There is no expectation of love in return. I can love people even when they have become horrible people, even when I wouldn’t choose to spend time around them. They can change as they need to change, because my love is about adapting, about seeing what people are at any given moment.

Circumstances may force our separation, but we may in time find a way to be together again and a few past relationships have been welcomed back into my life that way. Our relationships now may function differently than the past but, when the circumstances were that one of us needed to go make some mistakes or learn something elsewhere, or just pull our lives together for a stable base, my love is still there.

And for me, part of loving someone is love as a verb. Love as something we ‘do’ for one another that is necessary to sustain an active relationship. Making time together, being present in the relationship, respecting boundaries, communicating and compromising… are all things I try to ‘do’ to express my love whether that’s love for a friend, relative, or partner.

On another hand, my love just is. Once I love someone, whether our relationship continues or not, I love them. I think of them, miss them, and hope they are well. I am happy when they are joyful and a sounding board for sorrows if they turn to me as a friend.  Love as an emotional state, not a series of actions.

I don’t love a person for ‘just’ what they are now or ‘just’ what relationship they hold in my life, but as all the possible people they can be. I love them for their struggles, mistakes, and changes, not in spite of them; so a change, in itself, can’t undermine my love for them. How much I love them is how much I love them. Other emotions or rational reasons may become stronger than that love; like the risks involved in loving a heavy drug user, loving someone who’s abusive, or simply them growing out of their love for me.

I don’t think that love has to be returned to be real. For me, love is a part of me, not a reflection on the person. It’s my emotion, and it doesn’t have to be reciprocated. When I care about someone, I love them. And it would hurt to lose them, though I would be happy for them to find what they need, elsewhere or other than me. I’ve had people walk out of my life completely, hurt me terribly, and still I love them. I may not have a functional relationship with them, I may not foresee ever letting them in my life again, and I may even take actions to keep them separate from my life. That doesn’t change that I love them. Our lives simply grew apart or personal choices that we each made meant our relationship(as it began) was no longer sustainable.

Once I love someone, that feeling never ever leaves, even though I may never be able to live with or date that person.. It just changes logistics, realities, availability in time or other reasons to end our relationship or opportunities to grow together. Love is the fact that I have to work to isolate them from my life and my heart, if things go horribly wrong, because a part of me will always want to let them inside.