Tag Archive: beginning


Yes, yes, that’s a HIMYM joke. I am a dork. 😛

Argh! Where to start even? Let’s see… With this post I’ll have officially matched the number of times I posted last year! Yay? It’s an improvement, yes? Yes.

New job has been acquired. Secretary at a church..I keep getting laughter when I tell folks that..I can’t imagine why. Well, ok, I can but seriously people, I do have a spiritual/religious side, I’m just quiet about it. Oh, also, it is already more fulfilling than the last one! So, yay! again!

Pushing boundaries and enriching myself… well, i’m heading back to school FULL TIME! in a couple of weeks and have what looks like a two associates and two certificates scheduled out (provided I can manage the class loads and pass everything)! Now, I know I get super planny when it comes to work/school so that may get scaled down in time, without disappointment(I hope) on my part. I will be letting go of a duty to a local kink group as well…while I enjoyed working with them and have no complaints at all about the group in particular, the happiness I had felt with it in the beginning waned recently and I felt it was time to move on before resentment kicked in. I wish them the best and hope that if they need my help in the transition they ask and that works out smoothly as well.

If my allergies weren’t SO FUCKING BAD right now, I’d be working in the yard instead of talking to y’all so ‘improvements’ on the outside of the house are at a halt for the time being. We’re all(D, me, the kids) starting to pick up social things we’d like to do more regularly or at least deciding which ones we’d like to do that work with our schedules.

Kink. Has kind of been on hold or really sporadic lately.. I need to sort out with D & O some ways to work on that without me coming across as a demanding bitch. We’ll work it out, I’m sure.

So with all the changes and upheaval my depression’s been odd off and on and I just have to keep reminding myself that these changes have been GOOD and improvements over where we were a year ago for the most part. It’s not always easy, but the boys have been fantastic about helping with reminders and putting up with my occasional cranky/weepy days. D especially. I loves you hun!

Oh, and major props (salute!) to O on his ability to get the evil out. wink, wink, nudge, nudge

Advertisements

Decisions. Some hard decisions are coming up for me over the next few months. I’m going to be moving… I have wanted to move for years, it was just not feasible. And now, I don’t see anyway to avoid it at this point. So not an ideal situation.

To complicate that I have to worry about the kids… a good school, babysitting, the ‘trauma’ of moving, changes in their routine and just general kid worries! How’s my family going to handle me moving out of their sphere of influence? My parents especially and to a lesser extent my siblings all seem to think that they should be running my life.

Yay for family dynamics!

I have some decisions to make around my relationship with D too. He’s started a new job which is going to put us on different schedules for the foreseeable future. (I just realized how ugly ‘foreseeable’ is strictly in a visual sense. shudders) We’re talking about the adjustments that will leave us with sorting out… time: for kink, M/s,  sex, family, friends, and for just *being* together. We’ve talked about how most likely I’ll be going to a lot of events without him. Which, yes, I’ve done before. And I’m perfectly capable of doing so again. Just… not my favorite idea.

And with both of us soon to be looking for a new place… we’ve discussed moving in — together. Decisions, decisions.
Time. Much has changed  over the last 6 months. A lot of things and relationships and interactions. D and I have moved forward in our relationship on multiple levels and exploring as much as reality will allow. R ended our relationship. Money issues and school and babysitters and on and on have all changed.

T, with whom I had a mutual committed interest, and I discussed just today how that interest has changed/not changed. sigh And the conclusion was that it needs to adjust from ‘committed interest here, waiting for the right time’ to ‘this is my good friend, possibly occasional play partner’. He’s picked up some new responsibilities (work and relationship) lately and with those, his life is busy. Which is, of course, understandable… but upsetting. Sometimes I hate being practical.

Though I was told today that my being ‘imminently practical and full of blunt clarity’ is a loved characteristic. Thank you, D.

Here did she fall a tear, here in this place
I’ll set a bank of rue, sour herb of grace.
-William Shakespeare

Rue. sighs Quite a bit has happened in the last 6 months that have tested my grace. Mainly, the ending of the relationship with R. And I’m struggling to a certain extent now to establish a scening relationship with him, without lingering pain and regret lacing that or harming our friendship. I’m biting my tongue a lot, a LOT at the “objections” coming in from B… they seem to be really similar(exactly) the issues I got accused of being ‘my fault’ and used as reasons for ending our relationship… hmmm…double standard, much?

Ooh, was that catty or blunt clarity again? Either way, more a club than a stiletto, I suppose.

Curiousity

Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.

One of the best things, that feeds my mind/heart/soul; is learning and the satisfaction that comes from getting answers. Learning the What, Where, When, Why, and How? I like to know how things work. Whether it’s a toaster or my loves’ minds. Why do you prefer A over B? Why does your mind follow this process? How did you get from A to B? When did you decide this? Why is this what you want? How can I help you with those things? Why can’t I help you with these things?

Learning your partner’s likes; food, favorite restaurants, the types of shampoo, soap, how they take coffee, etc. Learning their moods, styles, friends, needs, wants, desires. Learning how they think, tease, show affection. Learning about who annoys them, thrills them, amuses them. Are they a gamer? A Nerd? A Jock? Do they clean the house every week? Where do they keep things? What do they like to read? What type of movies do they like? Music? What do they do to relax? Do they share well? Is their mattress hurting them? Depression? Anxiety? Medications? Old injuries?

Poly? How do they act/react to their other partners? Do they obsess over one? Can they say no to all of their relationships? Yes? What’s their public decorum policy? Is it different for each partner? Why? Do they include every partner in all aspects of their life? Do they separate kink/non-kink parts to different partners? Are they 24/7 or just ‘when they can’? Are they out to their family? Friends? Other loves? Do they share well? Do they fall victim to NRE? How do they label? Do their labels match yours? Do they fall victim to ‘Oh, shiny!’? Are you it? What is your role? Did they explain it? Did you understand it? Are you sure? Did they understand you? Are you sure? How do they communicate? How do your partner(s) express their love? Do you recognize it when they do?

The answers satisfy my basic thirst for knowledge… and then; taking all of the answers, processing them and finding ways to love your partner better or meet their needs better or adjustments that need to be made fulfills my nurture-and-care-for side. Nothing, and I mean nothing hurts me worse than being ignored, neglected, or my partner(s) making assumptions about any of my answers. ASK me the questions, TALK to me about my needs and the reasons behind them, STOP assuming you know what I am thinking or feeling. Assuming my answer, whether it’s a positive or a negative, takes away my free will and my consent.

You want to change our sex policy because you feel restricted? Ok, then we need to talk about that; Why it makes you feel restricted, what you want to change, how you want to implement it, when you want to change it, and with whom? If you assume that I won’t be willing? You’re doing us both a disservice and stifling our relationship. I could say: ‘Yes!’ or ‘No!’ or ‘with protection, yes!’ or any number of answers. But, when you assume my answer will be ‘NO!’ and base your actions on that assumption… you are taking away my choices.

Relationships are about learning. Growing. Loving. Changing. They are not about assumptions.

Learning, growing, loving and changing… Living. Learning each other together. Growing through mutual respect. Loving each other with all your soul. Changing to meet each others needs. Living, together.

D & D(om)

D and I met over a year ago at a community event. I can’t say it was love at first sight. I can say his energy and presence were notable. He seemed like someone I’d like and want to get to know. I was not, at that time, looking for any relationships outside of friendship/mentor.. I was just foraying into the kink/BDsm community, though I’d been what I call bedroom-kinky for years. Slowly over the next few months, I talked to him more and more and did come to consider him a good friend, someone who gave good and well thought out advice. *smiles* Someone who could listen to me vent frustrations and somehow heard what I meant, under my words. Someone who wasn’t afraid to tell me when I was in the wrong or being a bitch. Someone with a strong and sometimes prickly sense of pride and personal responsibility.

In the beginning of the summer we talked briefly and almost jokingly about dating but at that time his responsibilities to the two relationships he was already a part of prevented us from following through. And through that summer, we still saw each other at community events and talked easily but, we drew apart a little. We talked less outside of the community. And I wondered privately what had happened. But, he was still my friend and I was happy to have him in my life.

Fall’s big event. I had teased him a few weeks before about his not having seen my boots. I made sure to hunt him down at the event. And I made a decision. I didn’t know what had happened or where he was about us or what he would say. But I was not going to keep waiting. I wanted more. For him, me and us together. And so, I took a step. I stepped into his personal space, played the boots, and I asked for a scene. Something simple. The stairwell. Orgasm. It took him a few minutes… but then he got it. He heard, not my words…he heard what I meant.

A month of talking, sorting, decisions and changes later and we were dating. Exploring what we were and where we were going. Slowly, he became my rock. A place to stand in strength, revel in freedom, and play in joy. He held me through tears and laughed with me through delight and danced with me through rage and pain. We started talking about D/s and what that meant to each of us. Were we sure we wanted to do this? It’s not a casual step for either of us, but one we needed to make in full awareness. We discussed expectations and wants and needs and desires. And we decided that yes; we would, could, and wanted to do this. I wanted to not only be his girlfriend but to be submissive to him. And he accepted.

Slowly, carefully we are finding our way and path and joy together.

Scares

There have been a couple of different scares this week. Ones that shall remain private, even “anonymously”. But they have triggered other thoughts for me. What if I’m doing this whole poly thing wrong? How do I decide what’s wrong or not? Why do I have certain requirements for one partner and different ones for the other? What is ‘unreasonably’ selfish of me and what’s not? How do I balance what *I* need to remain happy with my boys, and their OSOs needs?

I don’t like admitting to being selfish, even when it is something I feel I need. So, here I will say, ‘Yes, I know I am being selfish.’ But, damn it my needs matter. As much as I have a responsibility to help with my partners’ happy, I have a higher responsibility to me. Right now, my relationships are both ‘new’ and I will defend them strongly. In time will I become more secure and sure of my place(whatever the hell that means)? Yes, of course I will. But… until then I’m not going to cave in on the things I need. Even when they seem/are selfish. There are things both of the boys share with OSOs that I would love to share with them, but cannot for various reasons. Poly does *not* mean Equality to me. And yes, there’s a part of me that feels bitchy for saying it that way. But it’s my truth.

I feel like R and I didn’t give enough time to ‘us’ before B was added. So part of the issues there are not *B*, they are that almost anyone’s added weight would have knocked the scales off balance. I am extremely lucky in the fact that the addition of D did not ruin the balance with R. I feel like I’ve been the unintentional catalyst in issues between D and his SO. I try to balance my relationships, I want to feel the same level of *importance* for both the boys, but it’s never going to be equal. They both offer different things and I give different things to them both. Another part of the issues with R and I is that our views on poly differ so much. He strives for equality. I say it’s not possible. Striking a balance for us… is going to be an effort. But, there is so much potential and love and delight there, gods it is worth the effort.