Tag Archive: communication


I’m Baa-ack!

It’s alive! It’s ALIIIVE! *Giggles*

Hi all! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, my darlings! OMG, three years?! I suck. So many things to catch up on! All the things!

We will catch up on it all I promise you! Loves and tears and life and joys and disappointments galore! Kids and kink and relationships and the snozzberries taste like snozzberries! Yes, I am still a dork.

We’ll talk about my mom breakdown(I’ve got a kiddo turning 18 soon!), relationship changes and adjustments (D, me, etc), all the delightful changes in kink and play I’ve been working on, life changes(moving, school, work, health, etc) and any old thing that pops into my brain along the way. Y’all remember I squirrel, right? Well, I do.

There is going to be word vomiting, I swear to you! And now, off to update my links, descriptions, and maybe colors? Perhaps even my thoughts.

Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear. Name that movie, if you can. Mwahaha!

 

 

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(or Secondary relationships, brought to you by the letter P and the number 2)

My sweetie pointed me toward K&P tonight to look at a post about love being what you do vs what you feel. And it was certainly interesting, but I noticed and read several about ‘secondary’ partners that sort of triggered a need to post.

There seems to be this mental association to the label of secondary, that somehow calling somone secondary or being called a secondary partner means that you’re “lesser” or “disposable” or treating your partner as lesser or what have you. And that may well be the case in some relationships. Which is complete crap of course. Sure, one of the actual definitions of the word secondary is: of second rank, importance, or value.  But, did anyone other than me learn in kindergarten that words can have multiple meanings?

How about this definition: not first in order of occurrence or development.  What exactly is wrong with being the second person I am in love with or develop a relationship with? What exactly is wrong with calling that relationship ‘secondary’ or ‘my secondary relationship’ or ‘my secondary partner’? D is my primary partner, yeah that means he was here before you. That doesn’t mean that a secondary partner will get a smaller piece of the love loaf. (Have a habit of making similes about love not being like a loaf of bread, though I guess that makes them reverse similes? Whatevs, I just wanted to say love loaf. Oh, I said it again! Nee.)

Or this: of, relating to, or being the second order or stage in a series. Hmm. Sounds like poly to me! Let’s pretend! I have a series of relationships… longest running: primary, next longest running: secondary, etc, so on and so forth. Having a longer history or a deeper life entanglement (think bills, kids, family squabbles) with a primary partner doesn’t mean a secondary partner is lesser! Matter of fact, most of the time it means a secondary partner gets more relaxation, more calm, more good things; because they are less(uh-oh, there’s that four letter word again!) likely to have the same life responsibilities that a primary partner will have.

Alternate synonyms for ‘secondary’ if you just can’t wrap your head around the whole ‘secondaries aren’t lesser’ thing: accessory, alternate, auxiliary, backup, extra, relief, reserve, subsidiary, supporting, tributary, consequential… Hell, call it anything except late to dinner provided you’re treated well and happy in it.

Seriously, who gives a flying fuck on a flat faced flugle horse about the label, honestly?! Stop spending so much time hung up on “oh, gosh that label sounds like secondaries are lesser or being treated as lesser”. Focus on what being a second partner is to you and the people you are with! If they are treating you as lesser and disposable, then you have an issue. If not, you don’t need to make the label the issue. Enjoy having another person in your life to love and be loved by!

(Imaginary cookies to everyone who gets the movie references sprinkled through out. Again, I’m a dork. :))

Updates…

I’m stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck. Stuck in a hurting, crying, depressed, angry, bleak, uncaring, fruitless and unhappy place. Not completely… the kids and D are bright lights. But, I seem to have lost my coping mechs that I learned in therapy a few years ago. That or they’ve served their purpose and I need new ones.

Housing, work, family, love life issues. laughs The same things everyone worries about, yes?

I originally had the above saved as a beginning draft on Sept. 9th. And reading it again now… I still feel stuck. But, I’m not hurting, angry. Nor do I feel like my circumstances are fruitless or that I don’t care.

I’m still fighting housing issues and may not be moving as soon as I had hoped. I’m still struggling with money issues. I’m still in a job I dislike and find thankless and uninspiring.

But I have my kids. I have D. My love life has had it’s ups and downs in the last year, but I’m thankful even for the painful ending with R. That and a couple of good friends who have decided to remain good friends have given me some good lessons in patience.

Though it is an irritant that R’s interactions with me seem to be based on his ‘omigodshe’sstillhunguponmegetbackfoulbeast!’ rather than my ‘hey we’re still friends, hope everything’s alright.’ Meh. I can’t solve everything and am focusing on myself and my family first.

Appreciating what I have. Delighting in an old friend grown into a love interest again. I’ll be introducing him soon.

I’ve had so many new experiences this year both singly and with D. At COPE in September, we co-topped together for multiple scenes. We’re all still getting compliments on one of those. And it was indeed delightful.

And he’s seeing me go through depression and stress and how I cope and finding ways to help me and other ways to just support me and let me feel. Slowly, carefully we are finding our way and path and joy together, through this and growing closer each day.

Finding out who my real friends are through this… The people who actually notice and care. Who reach out. smiles Even if it’s just with a ‘Hey, we miss you.’

Yes. I miss you all too.

About love…

For me, part of loving a person is love as a noun. Loving all of them; for their potential, personality, their flaws and quirks. Loving them whether they fail or succeed. My love doesn’t come with strings, my love is just about how much someone matters to me. About how much I hope for their joy. There is no expectation of love in return. I can love people even when they have become horrible people, even when I wouldn’t choose to spend time around them. They can change as they need to change, because my love is about adapting, about seeing what people are at any given moment.

Circumstances may force our separation, but we may in time find a way to be together again and a few past relationships have been welcomed back into my life that way. Our relationships now may function differently than the past but, when the circumstances were that one of us needed to go make some mistakes or learn something elsewhere, or just pull our lives together for a stable base, my love is still there.

And for me, part of loving someone is love as a verb. Love as something we ‘do’ for one another that is necessary to sustain an active relationship. Making time together, being present in the relationship, respecting boundaries, communicating and compromising… are all things I try to ‘do’ to express my love whether that’s love for a friend, relative, or partner.

On another hand, my love just is. Once I love someone, whether our relationship continues or not, I love them. I think of them, miss them, and hope they are well. I am happy when they are joyful and a sounding board for sorrows if they turn to me as a friend.  Love as an emotional state, not a series of actions.

I don’t love a person for ‘just’ what they are now or ‘just’ what relationship they hold in my life, but as all the possible people they can be. I love them for their struggles, mistakes, and changes, not in spite of them; so a change, in itself, can’t undermine my love for them. How much I love them is how much I love them. Other emotions or rational reasons may become stronger than that love; like the risks involved in loving a heavy drug user, loving someone who’s abusive, or simply them growing out of their love for me.

I don’t think that love has to be returned to be real. For me, love is a part of me, not a reflection on the person. It’s my emotion, and it doesn’t have to be reciprocated. When I care about someone, I love them. And it would hurt to lose them, though I would be happy for them to find what they need, elsewhere or other than me. I’ve had people walk out of my life completely, hurt me terribly, and still I love them. I may not have a functional relationship with them, I may not foresee ever letting them in my life again, and I may even take actions to keep them separate from my life. That doesn’t change that I love them. Our lives simply grew apart or personal choices that we each made meant our relationship(as it began) was no longer sustainable.

Once I love someone, that feeling never ever leaves, even though I may never be able to live with or date that person.. It just changes logistics, realities, availability in time or other reasons to end our relationship or opportunities to grow together. Love is the fact that I have to work to isolate them from my life and my heart, if things go horribly wrong, because a part of me will always want to let them inside.

Decisions. Some hard decisions are coming up for me over the next few months. I’m going to be moving… I have wanted to move for years, it was just not feasible. And now, I don’t see anyway to avoid it at this point. So not an ideal situation.

To complicate that I have to worry about the kids… a good school, babysitting, the ‘trauma’ of moving, changes in their routine and just general kid worries! How’s my family going to handle me moving out of their sphere of influence? My parents especially and to a lesser extent my siblings all seem to think that they should be running my life.

Yay for family dynamics!

I have some decisions to make around my relationship with D too. He’s started a new job which is going to put us on different schedules for the foreseeable future. (I just realized how ugly ‘foreseeable’ is strictly in a visual sense. shudders) We’re talking about the adjustments that will leave us with sorting out… time: for kink, M/s,  sex, family, friends, and for just *being* together. We’ve talked about how most likely I’ll be going to a lot of events without him. Which, yes, I’ve done before. And I’m perfectly capable of doing so again. Just… not my favorite idea.

And with both of us soon to be looking for a new place… we’ve discussed moving in — together. Decisions, decisions.
Time. Much has changed  over the last 6 months. A lot of things and relationships and interactions. D and I have moved forward in our relationship on multiple levels and exploring as much as reality will allow. R ended our relationship. Money issues and school and babysitters and on and on have all changed.

T, with whom I had a mutual committed interest, and I discussed just today how that interest has changed/not changed. sigh And the conclusion was that it needs to adjust from ‘committed interest here, waiting for the right time’ to ‘this is my good friend, possibly occasional play partner’. He’s picked up some new responsibilities (work and relationship) lately and with those, his life is busy. Which is, of course, understandable… but upsetting. Sometimes I hate being practical.

Though I was told today that my being ‘imminently practical and full of blunt clarity’ is a loved characteristic. Thank you, D.

Here did she fall a tear, here in this place
I’ll set a bank of rue, sour herb of grace.
-William Shakespeare

Rue. sighs Quite a bit has happened in the last 6 months that have tested my grace. Mainly, the ending of the relationship with R. And I’m struggling to a certain extent now to establish a scening relationship with him, without lingering pain and regret lacing that or harming our friendship. I’m biting my tongue a lot, a LOT at the “objections” coming in from B… they seem to be really similar(exactly) the issues I got accused of being ‘my fault’ and used as reasons for ending our relationship… hmmm…double standard, much?

Ooh, was that catty or blunt clarity again? Either way, more a club than a stiletto, I suppose.