Tag Archive: crew


Poly musings

Recently(ok more like 2 months ago) this question came up in a fetlife group.

How do you “reprogram” yourself to be polyamorous?

To my way of thinking you either ARE poly or you are not. Regardless of how many people you are dating at any one point in time. I recently parted ways with one of my partners, so I am sexually and romantically monogamous at the moment. That does not mean I identify as a monogamous person, do you see what I mean?

Ended relationships and circumstance have led me here. Choices made not only by me, but the other folk in my life. Not one choice that was made purposefully to lead to situational monogamy. Situational monogamy… interesting phrase. I think I’ll keep it. Along with ‘situational awareness’ that my chosen family has shared with me.

Poly is not easy. It was a long hard journey to reach the acceptance within myself for my poly nature. It took time and leaps of faith and work and a thick skin at times. Basically, you decide: I am an adult. I have a right to express my sexuality. It is my choice and right and path to do what I want with my heart/body/soul/mind. I am capable of, happy with, and fulfilled by loving more than one partner wholeheartedly and openly.

And when poly goes wrong, it can be more devastating than one relationship ending. You’ve made connections, however tenuous, with your partner’s OSOs, friends and sometimes family. And if you add the kink community in, you’re all going to end up seeing each other again. Almost everywhere you go. Play parties, gatherings, just going to hang out at a bar with friends… these things just don’t go away.

And people will judge you, even within the community. For not doing poly the same way they do. For having different needs that they deem ‘selfish’. For identifying in ways they don’t accept.

Any person can look down on me or judge me for my poly, that is their choice. I am not ‘out’ to most of my family, not because I am truly afraid to share with them, but because their right to not know outweighs my desire to share. I’m sure they have an inkling, because I don’t actively hide my partners, but they do not ask either. And until they do, I am not pushing the issue. For instance, I discuss things I do with each partner, mention them by name, etc… But I have never blatantly discussed poly with my family.

Outside of family, my friends all know I am poly and kinky. My children know I’m poly, though they might not know the term. shrugs If someone chooses to look down on me or my loves because we are poly that is their choice. I can not make them choose otherwise, anymore than they can make me conform to their standard.

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Lachrymose

I am lachrymose today. Isn’t that a fantastic word? I love it. Definition: given to shedding tears readily; tearful. I know there is a lot of frustration, confusion, hurt, loose ends and feelings of ‘unfinished’ running through me about several things. But, I haven’t been sad or depressed today. I haven’t been dwelling on things mentally. I’ve been working and slowly picking up things that I’ve been letting slide. Spent time chatting with H today, which was loads of fun. I’ve just been crying. More like dripping really, there’s no sobbing or runny nose like crying I do when I get upset. Just big slow tears.

I’ve got a full weekend planned with funs and stuffs. Time with the kids and crew and friends and D. I’m looking forward to all of it… so what is the deal? I’m excited about the weekend!

…and I’m leaking.

Palaestrae

I asked for a public scene last night. Something that I have minimal issues with at kink events, but this was at practice. This was in front of my chosen family. For some reason, that has given me pause for a while. I don’t want to strip or play or many other things in front of my family and perhaps that carried over into my chosen family? Regardless, I took my fears in hand and asked to go out on that ledge and play.

I asked for a scene… I didn’t know what I wanted when I asked. So, D grabbed his bag and followed me downstairs. As soon as I saw the bed was unoccupied, I knew what I wanted. Nothing in the bag, just he and I.

I wanted to wrestle.

I wanted to fight and struggle and laugh. I love to wrestle, especially against someone who’s stronger than me. I know he’ll win, I know no matter how hard I struggle I can’t escape him. And for these fears it was perfect. I was choosing something that I couldn’t win, but wasn’t intense enough to need to stop for any emotional reason. Something that was still fun and laughter inducing. I would have to go through with it, to fight, to struggle and lose. I would have to face this fear and enjoy it.

And we did. We wrestled and thrashed and fought. I knocked him off the bed once and he tossed me through the air a few times. *grins* He still has my shirt today and is making me bargain for it back. And somewhere in the middle of our scene, I let go. I still don’t know what it was I was clinging to but I let it go. I do think there are still steps to take for my personal comfort. I know there are things I’d still consider ‘uncomfortable’ that others do at practice. But you know what? That’s ok. It’s ok that my comfort levels are different and last night gave me the confidence that when I am ready? I’ll adjust. And last night verified my trust in him yet again: that he’ll guide, push, throw me right into my fears and that he’ll be there to catch me before I fall or pick me up when I do.

Vivify

To give new life or energy. I have spent a better portion of the past two months focusing on and trying to flex, patch, fix, repair, or figure out mine & R’s relationship and the issues we were having. At some point I’ll be ready to share more how things felt from my side. Not now. Now is when I share my hopes for other things that I want/need to give energy to in my life.

The kids. They are always my first priority. But, there have been times recently where I have brushed off some of the attention they want from me; to play games with me, watch movies or just hang out together and get my full attention. That will stop.

Art. I’ve always drawn, painted, sketched and sculpted. I’ve always gifted most of my work and kept very little for myself. I’ve always felt that no matter what I did, while it fulfilled a part of me; was not good enough(to me) or worthwhile enough in others eyes to pursue it or give it more energy than I do now. I have at various times mentioned to D different projects I’d like to do or a general: ‘I’d love to work with clay again.’ Over this past weekend, he gave me a sketchbook. And I teared up, I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t an expensive gift, just a sketchbook he’d had in a closet for years, but it’s the first time anyone’s given me something art related since I was a teenager.

Crafts. I have various levels of crafting. I can sew. I enjoy crochet. I love working with leather. Again, usually for others, though I keep more of the leather work than anything else. I remember the delight and amusement R got out of the Jesus robe at Halloween time. *smiles* There’s nothing like watching a bunch of kinky folk at a play party interact with ‘Jesus’. The ladies in my family have a monthly craft day and I’ve volunteered to make the ‘yearly prize’, a sofa sized afghan. I need to set aside time to sort out the yarn and pattern for that project.

I love working with leather. The smell. The texture. The kinky goodness of floggers, dragon tongues and tails. The researching on collars, cuffs, masks and blindfolds. The difference in each finished project, even when using all the same materials. Both of the boys got a… well I’m calling it a double dragon tongue, though there is often a level of debate as to what is/is not a tongue vs. a tail, for Christmas. It’s stingy as hell and fantastic. D went to a collaring/play party on Sunday, which I was unable to attend, and the newly collared one liked it enough that she asked about buying one! *SQUEE* Ohmigod… I *don’t* feel sure enough of my skills yet, but I am so happy that people are starting to ask, because I do want to start selling such things. Here’s a first step.

Crew. I am a crew member of a kink 101 interactive stage show, mainly at a club near me, though we are trying to branch out in the community. I’ve been letting my attendance at events for crew and training for various parts of crew slide while trying to sort out my personal life. I need to start giving that responsibility the attention it deserves. To give my growth within crew the effort it needs, not only for myself, but for this new family that I’m a part of to know me and my determination, dedication, and fidelity.

The blog. I’ve been letting the blog slip and that’s going to end. I need a place to vent frustrations, happiness, thoughts and to do so regularly. Letting all those things build up.. has not been good for me or the folk in my life. Venting here where those who need to see it can, rather than directly at/to them will hopefully ease some of the pressure on them and me.

D. My next post will be more detailed about the changes in my relationship with D, but very short version is: D is my Dom. I need and want to give more attention and focus to my service and submission to him. Finding my path with him and his with me and where we want to go together. To find my, his and our bliss.