Tag Archive: D


Snarfle the Garflack, love.

It’s an inside joke. And, yes, I know it’s ‘narfle the Garthok’; whatever, it’s my joke, shut up.

Hopefully I’m able to explain it properly here. It’s the phrase I use to encourage D. Usually toward something that he’s not sure he’s ready to do or isn’t sure he has the ability to do; but keeps saying he wants. And at the risk of sounding sexist; he’s a guy, it usually involves emotions. Garflack is what ever ‘big scary thing’ thing is going on… and usually isn’t such a big scary thing in the end.

It’s come up a bit lately. He’s exploring his poly, more than he has before and it’s raising new feelings, issues, and worries. It’s interesting to be supporting him through it. I’m glad I am and I love seeing him grow and become. You know what I mean?

I’m sort of discovering that I’m really protective of him too. Not to the point of weirdness, but that I’m pretty fucking blunt when I see others in his life pulling shit.  He, of course, gets to make his own choices about what he is doing and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Through out the course of his exploration, we’ve discovered so many new things about us. Individually. As a couple. Our power exchange/Ds.

We’ve discovered we have very minimal rules for each other, though they are important ones. Practice safe sex. Don’t do anything that will harm us. Act, speak and live with honesty, integrity and honor.  That one’s a doozy, but so important. Keep each other informed. And finding where those rules expand or contract depending on the situation.

And there are moments where I have to say it to myself. Facing my attachment to an ex and how it was affecting my emotions still… so difficult. Snarfle the Garflack. Finding out what it really is I am afraid of in opening myself up to ‘new’ people. Snarfle! The unexpected ones, like discovering that I mostly have acquaintances in the community, where I thought I had friends. That was a hard one.

I always try to make sure I’m using it well and saying it from a place of encouragement and love. He is my Sir and my love as well as my partner and I have to make sure I’m respecting all the aspects of our relationship when offering a push.  But I know he appreciates my support, my encouragement and my love.

We have an event coming up in June that we are both looking forward to… we’re on staff this year and with all these new discoveries about each other and ‘us’, we’re looking forward to exploring our boundaries in such an open, loving, energy rich place.  Hopefully our experiences this year will be as good as last, or better!

Hopefully, I’ll be hurting some boys. I am going to snarfle the fuck out of THAT Garflack, as soon as I can.

Of course, sometimes, ‘Snarfle the Garflack’ is code for: ‘Here, take these condoms and go fuck her already. Sheesh.’

I’m serious AND silly. 😛                                     Ooh, now I want to hear ‘Tainted Love’….

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This past weekend…held a lot of fun and disappointment. Let’s start with the fun…

Friday afternoon I headed off to a large local event. I took off work early, gathered up my bags, settled the kids with the sitters(thank you!) and hit rush hour traffic. *grins* I always think that is a fair price to pay for the fun I’m about to have. I haven’t been able to go out too much lately and was über excited for the weekend. I had a couple of scenes planned as a top, was healthy for the first weekend in 6 weeks, and would get to spend extra time with D…fantastic right?

Well, yes. And no. Let’s go semi-chronological here:

Arrived at the hotel excited. Waving at a friend I recognized and hurrying to the front door. Tripped on NOTHING and fell flat in front of about 6 people, one of whom is a smoking hot presenter that I have a ridiculous I-feel-like-a-bumbly-teenager crush on. Mortifying much? *laughs* Ah well, such is life with my natural talent for klutz. Knees are a bit tender now.

Check in and head to unload the car. I run into a local friend who wants to gossip about some drama in the community that includes an ex of mine. Disappointment. I’m going to address a mini rant to that at the end of the post. And to save me having to type it up over and over, I’m going to put Φ every time someone brought the drama up to me. I made one trip from the car to the room and realize… I’m super exhausted and maybe not as over my bronchitis as I thought. wheeze Only two trips to go! On the second trip I ran into some friends and thank Bob*, they were kind enough to help me bring the rest of my gear up. And then I took a break… damn I was tired. Knees are achingly tired!

Unpacking and showering and coordinating with D when he’d be arriving and oh, fuck I’m late to the DM orientation. Dashed downstairs and caught the majority of it, while holding my corset strings tight. Immediately needed to find someone to tighten me up since I still haven’t mastered tightening my own corset while it’s on my body. So happens, the ex I mentioned above is the first person I see who I know can tighten a corset properly. Sweet! Chit chatted while he was tightening, about everyday stuff. Yay, I’m done, thanks. How are you? Φ Oh, community folks are being judgmental and gossipy? No, I’m not surprised. I’m disappointed. See the rant. Knees are a-ok.

Found D and we visited for a bit catching up on our day and going over our plans for the weekend. Chatted with random folk, friends, etc. Found the first gentleman, Dante, I had a topping scene with and discussed basic ideas of what we were planning. I held my cards pretty close, since I immensely enjoy ‘surprising’ bottoms with my choice of play. We arranged a time for our electric scene and went off to opening remarks. Φ Shortly afterwards I ran into a coy lady that I enjoy poking. She makes pretty noises and says I’m evil. I poked, prodded, pulled hair, pinched, pressure pointed, and kneed her. Amongst other bits of things. She squealed quite nicely. Right knee might be bruised…

After a smoke or three, conversations with D and friends Φ, and an outfit change; it was time to find Dante and have our scene. Found him and had a brief chat in the hall again about expectations/limits/wants/etc. Ok, wow, I’m really more exhausted than I thought… breathe… Check and make sure he’s aware of the tired and ok to continue. Awesome.

We find a spot and he takes my boots off. yay

And rubs my feet. Ooh, very nice

And sucks my toes. I like that way more than I thought I would.. am I developing a foot fetish?

OK. Now strip. Our scene has changed.  internal snickering

I order him to lay back on the bench after some kisses and nibbling. Biting. Scratching. Clips. Nipple torture. Rubber hose. I straddle the bench and cradle him to me while he comes down. Oh, we’re not done yet, my boy.

More biting, scratching, kisses, nipple play, clips. I cradle him again but this time continue biting and scratching. I reach around and play with his piercing, smack his balls. I like his moans. Oh, you like that more than you want to let on, hmm?

I stand in front of him and contemplate for a moment. Clothespins. Tracing wheel. Fishing bells. Yes.

He holds my string of clothespins while I place them one at a time on his balls. They look pretty and he reacts but not loudly enough to suit me. Fine

Running the wheel across his cock brings louder noises and concerned eyes from him. smiles

Don’t worry, it didn’t break skin. He sighs. Clothespins come off and it’s time for the final peak. I place the fishing bells; one on each ball. They dangle down and jingle as I smack his shaft. grins

I kneel down and pressure point his feet. Dancing bells and screaming. Delicious

And cradling him again as we wind down. Stroking his chest, I realize it’s been way too long since I’ve had a bottom of my own. Something to contemplate. Final strokes, kisses, and cleanup and we smile and part ways. So much fun

I step outside and visit with folks Φ, smoke, find D. I have a bit of an energy boost from the scene, hooray! Talk about the scene and what he’s been up to while I was busy. Grab a few snacks, out to smoke again and exhaustion comes home to roost. Oy. We decide to head off to bed. My knees are aching.

Morning. Slowly wake up. Bob*, I’m tired. There weren’t any classes in the morning that we particularly wanted to catch, so we took our time waking and talking and headed out to breakfast. My left knee is hating the stairs! A cute little French bakery/bistro. Coffee, quiche, bacon, fruit. MMmm. Feeling a bit better. Heading back to the hotel, I decide I want a nap. Yup, I’ve been awake all of three hours and need a nap. I’m limping! Left knee still hates the stairs!

Napping. D futzes on the computer until it’s time for our first class. Good info, but more basic than we expected from the class description. Head over to the second class. Great info, fantastic subject, amusing presenter…and something I can’t ever do for physical reasons. sadface Visit folks for a few, we both poke at the bruises I left on my coy lady friend, and head upstairs to change for dinner. Stairs! Knee! Argh!

Dinner out just the two of us… it’s been too long since we could do that. Just sinking into the moment with him. So, so wonderful and it eases a bit of longing for him inside of me. Leisurely head back to the hotel. Damn, I’m limping again! And suddenly, like it was just waiting for me to relax a bit… my knee is driving me practically to tears. Back at the hotel and upstairs for an outfit change. We discuss the knee and decide I should take it easy. Then we have vigorous sexy times. Shower and the cold tiles make me cry. Man, I’m exhausted and hurting.

Limping about downstairs for a bit, visiting, outside to smoke, sitting down to rest the knee. D finally convinces me to head off to bed after a good friend hands over some meds. Brief talk with a hypno aficionado and a few friends Φ while D helps out with a scene, then a last smoke and bed. So, I missed my second topping scene. And, yes, that’s right by 9:30 on a Sat night at a big event, I was in bed, drugged up. D took my DM shift and checked up on me various times. I woke up once about 1?  when he came back to the room and decided I needed a smoke. So down we went and apparently I was hysterical. shrugs I don’t recall exactly what I said. I think there was flirting with the security guard.

Sunday, we both woke up late and were slow-moving. By the time we got down stairs most of the event gear was packed up, so we said goodbyes Φ and visited with each other again for a few before he had to head off to work.

So. I fell down in an embarrassing fashion, bashed up my knee(though it seems fine now?), missed a scene as a top and a flying scene and multiple people kept bringing up drama. Negatives

I also had a wonderful scene with Dante, lots of one on one time with D, great sex, a fantastic visit with several folks, lots of sleep, and overall? I came away happy. Positives

*Fyi: Bob is my generic swear for whichever ‘god/God’ you wanna put in there.

All in all, it was a great weekend except for the multiple reminders of drama.

                                                                                                                                                                                         

SO, now it’s time for my Φ rant. I’m not even sure it’s going to qualify, because I’m not ‘angry’. I’m severely disappointed.

A couple of weeks ago I found out that an ex had broken some promises while we were dating. Now, it doesn’t really affect me in a deep emotional way too much today because he and I aren’t dating anymore and it’s been awhile, plus it really helped fill in the blanks for some unanswered questions I had. So I’m not crying or angry like I would have been had I found out when it was happening. I am, however, disappointed.

Disappointed that he wasn’t the one to tell me. That the person who did, contributed to his deceptions and hasn’t really accepted their responsibility in it. That they keep trying to blow it off like they had little to no choice. That he still hasn’t apologized. That things I didn’t know about contributed to our break up and I’m sure he’s still convinced that his deceptions had nothing to do with it. That he’d betray my trust and the trust of his other loves in that way. That because of those broken promises, he and I were pretty much doomed before we started. But those things are personal and not something I want to delve into with everyone, thanks. Back off.

You know who I am really, really disappointed in? Our community. Oh, my Bob! Seriously people? The gloating, malicious, ranting from people this whole situation doesn’t even concern!

And you all seem to either a) forget or b) don’t care that you’re asking one of the betrayed people all these questions and putting someone down that, broken promises or no, I still care about. Did it cross your mind at all to empathize or say ‘i’m sorry this happened to you’? Nope. You’re all too busy crowing about ‘how awful’ and ‘how could he’ and ‘isn’t it horrible’ to think about WHO you are saying all these things to.

You know what? He broke promises to me too!

And since when were people supposed to be perfect?

Do I approve of what he did? No, of course not.

Do I think he made a wise choice? No, of course not.

But you know what? He’s a human being. We all make mistakes. Grow up, mind your own, and stop expecting perfection. He’ll either sort this out or not and that’s his life. Go have your own life and remember that you certainly aren’t perfect either.

Updates…

I’m stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck. Stuck in a hurting, crying, depressed, angry, bleak, uncaring, fruitless and unhappy place. Not completely… the kids and D are bright lights. But, I seem to have lost my coping mechs that I learned in therapy a few years ago. That or they’ve served their purpose and I need new ones.

Housing, work, family, love life issues. laughs The same things everyone worries about, yes?

I originally had the above saved as a beginning draft on Sept. 9th. And reading it again now… I still feel stuck. But, I’m not hurting, angry. Nor do I feel like my circumstances are fruitless or that I don’t care.

I’m still fighting housing issues and may not be moving as soon as I had hoped. I’m still struggling with money issues. I’m still in a job I dislike and find thankless and uninspiring.

But I have my kids. I have D. My love life has had it’s ups and downs in the last year, but I’m thankful even for the painful ending with R. That and a couple of good friends who have decided to remain good friends have given me some good lessons in patience.

Though it is an irritant that R’s interactions with me seem to be based on his ‘omigodshe’sstillhunguponmegetbackfoulbeast!’ rather than my ‘hey we’re still friends, hope everything’s alright.’ Meh. I can’t solve everything and am focusing on myself and my family first.

Appreciating what I have. Delighting in an old friend grown into a love interest again. I’ll be introducing him soon.

I’ve had so many new experiences this year both singly and with D. At COPE in September, we co-topped together for multiple scenes. We’re all still getting compliments on one of those. And it was indeed delightful.

And he’s seeing me go through depression and stress and how I cope and finding ways to help me and other ways to just support me and let me feel. Slowly, carefully we are finding our way and path and joy together, through this and growing closer each day.

Finding out who my real friends are through this… The people who actually notice and care. Who reach out. smiles Even if it’s just with a ‘Hey, we miss you.’

Yes. I miss you all too.

Get a room!

I hear this a lot. Specifically when I’m interacting with D. Suprisingly, mostly from fellow kinksters. Usually, we’re just kissing. No groping or even ‘making out’.  Just a passionate kiss. Maybe even a ‘dip’ during the kiss.

I enjoy receiving affection from D in public. Not our love on ‘display’, but it’s a positive interaction… Why wait for privacy to express our feelings?

I’ve also been the person who’s felt ‘left out’ or like a ‘third wheel’ when a partner and his OSO interact intimately in front of me. It depends on the setting and the interaction and is usually when I feel I’m not getting my needs met with that partner. Or it’s invading my physical space, like throwing your leg over his lap and kicking me in the process… or certain things in a vanilla space, especially if they are things I asked for recently. I’ve felt extraneous and forgotten. This comes into play more so when I’m being ignored and not receiving my partner’s focus during time that is mine.

I find myself approving of passion and yet, that comes with ‘qualifiers’… very confusing at times. Some people are really shy and some bold and some are in the throes of NRE. A hug, a kiss, holding hands, being close; are all things I enjoy that help me feel close to my partner. My line for inappropriate falls around nudity/gropings/volume/energy more than anything else.. If you’re putting your hands down her pants or shirt, or if I’m seeing stuff that’s usually covered by a bathing suit or you’re moaning loudly enough to attract my attention… it’s too much.  If  you’re laying all over your partner to the point that your feet are in my lap, too much. Now I don’t have anything against making out but if you’re physically or energetically invading my space… too much.  Though that particular limit stands whether it’s a kink or vanilla space… personal boundaries.  But yeah, hand holding, being close, kissing in public, I think it’s fine.

Then there are the folk who’ve said it’s about arousal. sighs I don’t know what to say here. Do I want to see raging hard ons or damp panties everywhere? Well, no, in vanilla space;  not really. But I also know that just having an intense conversation can arouse me… so.. again, no nudity and we’re good.

On the other hand, in kink space… grins I’m a huge fan of nudity, hard men and damp ladies. Voyeuristic much? A not too much, a much too much.

HOW I HANDLE PDA WITH WHICH I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE… ALSO SUGGESTED FOR YOUR OWN USE.

Most people define for themselves what they think is OK pda. In the end, my sensitivities are my own, provided the pda isn’t physically or energetically in my space. Cause that’s non-consensual.. On the other hand; If you can’t agree or accept that people will engage in pda sometimes and that you’re going to witness pda sometimes, then I think your social options are likely to be incredibly limited.

So, what do I do when I see pda that I feel uncomfortable about? I either wait quietly until they are done or I experiment with repeating and/or holding this position, occasionally alternating with getting up and leaving the room……. SO EASY A CARTOON CAN DO IT.

 

Decisions. Some hard decisions are coming up for me over the next few months. I’m going to be moving… I have wanted to move for years, it was just not feasible. And now, I don’t see anyway to avoid it at this point. So not an ideal situation.

To complicate that I have to worry about the kids… a good school, babysitting, the ‘trauma’ of moving, changes in their routine and just general kid worries! How’s my family going to handle me moving out of their sphere of influence? My parents especially and to a lesser extent my siblings all seem to think that they should be running my life.

Yay for family dynamics!

I have some decisions to make around my relationship with D too. He’s started a new job which is going to put us on different schedules for the foreseeable future. (I just realized how ugly ‘foreseeable’ is strictly in a visual sense. shudders) We’re talking about the adjustments that will leave us with sorting out… time: for kink, M/s,  sex, family, friends, and for just *being* together. We’ve talked about how most likely I’ll be going to a lot of events without him. Which, yes, I’ve done before. And I’m perfectly capable of doing so again. Just… not my favorite idea.

And with both of us soon to be looking for a new place… we’ve discussed moving in — together. Decisions, decisions.
Time. Much has changed  over the last 6 months. A lot of things and relationships and interactions. D and I have moved forward in our relationship on multiple levels and exploring as much as reality will allow. R ended our relationship. Money issues and school and babysitters and on and on have all changed.

T, with whom I had a mutual committed interest, and I discussed just today how that interest has changed/not changed. sigh And the conclusion was that it needs to adjust from ‘committed interest here, waiting for the right time’ to ‘this is my good friend, possibly occasional play partner’. He’s picked up some new responsibilities (work and relationship) lately and with those, his life is busy. Which is, of course, understandable… but upsetting. Sometimes I hate being practical.

Though I was told today that my being ‘imminently practical and full of blunt clarity’ is a loved characteristic. Thank you, D.

Here did she fall a tear, here in this place
I’ll set a bank of rue, sour herb of grace.
-William Shakespeare

Rue. sighs Quite a bit has happened in the last 6 months that have tested my grace. Mainly, the ending of the relationship with R. And I’m struggling to a certain extent now to establish a scening relationship with him, without lingering pain and regret lacing that or harming our friendship. I’m biting my tongue a lot, a LOT at the “objections” coming in from B… they seem to be really similar(exactly) the issues I got accused of being ‘my fault’ and used as reasons for ending our relationship… hmmm…double standard, much?

Ooh, was that catty or blunt clarity again? Either way, more a club than a stiletto, I suppose.