Tag Archive: family


Yes, yes, that’s a HIMYM joke. I am a dork. 😛

Argh! Where to start even? Let’s see… With this post I’ll have officially matched the number of times I posted last year! Yay? It’s an improvement, yes? Yes.

New job has been acquired. Secretary at a church..I keep getting laughter when I tell folks that..I can’t imagine why. Well, ok, I can but seriously people, I do have a spiritual/religious side, I’m just quiet about it. Oh, also, it is already more fulfilling than the last one! So, yay! again!

Pushing boundaries and enriching myself… well, i’m heading back to school FULL TIME! in a couple of weeks and have what looks like a two associates and two certificates scheduled out (provided I can manage the class loads and pass everything)! Now, I know I get super planny when it comes to work/school so that may get scaled down in time, without disappointment(I hope) on my part. I will be letting go of a duty to a local kink group as well…while I enjoyed working with them and have no complaints at all about the group in particular, the happiness I had felt with it in the beginning waned recently and I felt it was time to move on before resentment kicked in. I wish them the best and hope that if they need my help in the transition they ask and that works out smoothly as well.

If my allergies weren’t SO FUCKING BAD right now, I’d be working in the yard instead of talking to y’all so ‘improvements’ on the outside of the house are at a halt for the time being. We’re all(D, me, the kids) starting to pick up social things we’d like to do more regularly or at least deciding which ones we’d like to do that work with our schedules.

Kink. Has kind of been on hold or really sporadic lately.. I need to sort out with D & O some ways to work on that without me coming across as a demanding bitch. We’ll work it out, I’m sure.

So with all the changes and upheaval my depression’s been odd off and on and I just have to keep reminding myself that these changes have been GOOD and improvements over where we were a year ago for the most part. It’s not always easy, but the boys have been fantastic about helping with reminders and putting up with my occasional cranky/weepy days. D especially. I loves you hun!

Oh, and major props (salute!) to O on his ability to get the evil out. wink, wink, nudge, nudge

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Kids and kink and community

I often find myself in a spot of having to stay home from some gathering, not play party, because I don’t have/can’t afford a babysitter. Or because I already spent too much time away from the kids that week.  A lot of my friends either don’t have kids or don’t have their kids 24/7 like I do. I know a few people who only have their kids on sporadic occasions. That’s a whole different peeve depending on circumstances.

So, it’s difficult for them to remember? or relate to?

And I find that it’s difficult for me on a couple of levels not to feel resentment? No, that’s not the right emotion… because no one’s causing me injury.

Frustration? Maybe. Yes, definitely.

Envy.. not really because I’m making the choices that are best for my family. Maybe a little envious of the extra time that others seem to have?

And I’m a little frustrated by the lack of ‘family’ stuff the community has available. Again not the play parties, obviously… but there’s the community picnic once a year and… sounds of crickets… Really? Yes, I get that a lot of what we do is ‘adult’ oriented but again I don’t mean parties. And sure there are munches… Usually at bars. Again not really family friendly.

I mean things like learning how to serve tea.  Learning how to take care of leather boots. Things like that don’t require nudity. And really? What’s wrong with kids seeing those sorts of things?

And maybe I’m just more open with some of the stuff in my life. I don’t know. But my kids have seen me practice flogging and dragon’s tongue. Hell, I make both of them at home. They’ve seen me run a violet wand. And sort my rope. And carry various handfuls of implements between rooms when I’m packing for events. My fire kit sits in the front room of my house because I’m a lazy bitch and it’s heavy. And my toy box is at the end of my bed because I’m a lazy bitch and that’s the most handy spot. They’ve seen most of my fetish wear too… boots and corsets and skirts and such…

I guess I don’t understand this huge separation. I’ve always made sure to keep a balance between ‘matter-of-fact’ and ‘too-much-info’ for the kids. Neither of them are the worse for wear. Then again I’ve never understood the point of making your kids embarrassed of their bodies, their drives, or the fact that people have sex sometimes! Or that everyone is not the same…and that seems to be a prevalent mindset that people are teaching their kids anymore.

Maybe I’m just expecting  too much inclusion in a group that prides itself on inclusion?

Poly musings

Recently(ok more like 2 months ago) this question came up in a fetlife group.

How do you “reprogram” yourself to be polyamorous?

To my way of thinking you either ARE poly or you are not. Regardless of how many people you are dating at any one point in time. I recently parted ways with one of my partners, so I am sexually and romantically monogamous at the moment. That does not mean I identify as a monogamous person, do you see what I mean?

Ended relationships and circumstance have led me here. Choices made not only by me, but the other folk in my life. Not one choice that was made purposefully to lead to situational monogamy. Situational monogamy… interesting phrase. I think I’ll keep it. Along with ‘situational awareness’ that my chosen family has shared with me.

Poly is not easy. It was a long hard journey to reach the acceptance within myself for my poly nature. It took time and leaps of faith and work and a thick skin at times. Basically, you decide: I am an adult. I have a right to express my sexuality. It is my choice and right and path to do what I want with my heart/body/soul/mind. I am capable of, happy with, and fulfilled by loving more than one partner wholeheartedly and openly.

And when poly goes wrong, it can be more devastating than one relationship ending. You’ve made connections, however tenuous, with your partner’s OSOs, friends and sometimes family. And if you add the kink community in, you’re all going to end up seeing each other again. Almost everywhere you go. Play parties, gatherings, just going to hang out at a bar with friends… these things just don’t go away.

And people will judge you, even within the community. For not doing poly the same way they do. For having different needs that they deem ‘selfish’. For identifying in ways they don’t accept.

Any person can look down on me or judge me for my poly, that is their choice. I am not ‘out’ to most of my family, not because I am truly afraid to share with them, but because their right to not know outweighs my desire to share. I’m sure they have an inkling, because I don’t actively hide my partners, but they do not ask either. And until they do, I am not pushing the issue. For instance, I discuss things I do with each partner, mention them by name, etc… But I have never blatantly discussed poly with my family.

Outside of family, my friends all know I am poly and kinky. My children know I’m poly, though they might not know the term. shrugs If someone chooses to look down on me or my loves because we are poly that is their choice. I can not make them choose otherwise, anymore than they can make me conform to their standard.

Lachrymose

I am lachrymose today. Isn’t that a fantastic word? I love it. Definition: given to shedding tears readily; tearful. I know there is a lot of frustration, confusion, hurt, loose ends and feelings of ‘unfinished’ running through me about several things. But, I haven’t been sad or depressed today. I haven’t been dwelling on things mentally. I’ve been working and slowly picking up things that I’ve been letting slide. Spent time chatting with H today, which was loads of fun. I’ve just been crying. More like dripping really, there’s no sobbing or runny nose like crying I do when I get upset. Just big slow tears.

I’ve got a full weekend planned with funs and stuffs. Time with the kids and crew and friends and D. I’m looking forward to all of it… so what is the deal? I’m excited about the weekend!

…and I’m leaking.

Palaestrae

I asked for a public scene last night. Something that I have minimal issues with at kink events, but this was at practice. This was in front of my chosen family. For some reason, that has given me pause for a while. I don’t want to strip or play or many other things in front of my family and perhaps that carried over into my chosen family? Regardless, I took my fears in hand and asked to go out on that ledge and play.

I asked for a scene… I didn’t know what I wanted when I asked. So, D grabbed his bag and followed me downstairs. As soon as I saw the bed was unoccupied, I knew what I wanted. Nothing in the bag, just he and I.

I wanted to wrestle.

I wanted to fight and struggle and laugh. I love to wrestle, especially against someone who’s stronger than me. I know he’ll win, I know no matter how hard I struggle I can’t escape him. And for these fears it was perfect. I was choosing something that I couldn’t win, but wasn’t intense enough to need to stop for any emotional reason. Something that was still fun and laughter inducing. I would have to go through with it, to fight, to struggle and lose. I would have to face this fear and enjoy it.

And we did. We wrestled and thrashed and fought. I knocked him off the bed once and he tossed me through the air a few times. *grins* He still has my shirt today and is making me bargain for it back. And somewhere in the middle of our scene, I let go. I still don’t know what it was I was clinging to but I let it go. I do think there are still steps to take for my personal comfort. I know there are things I’d still consider ‘uncomfortable’ that others do at practice. But you know what? That’s ok. It’s ok that my comfort levels are different and last night gave me the confidence that when I am ready? I’ll adjust. And last night verified my trust in him yet again: that he’ll guide, push, throw me right into my fears and that he’ll be there to catch me before I fall or pick me up when I do.