Tag Archive: foreknowledge


Curiousity

Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.

One of the best things, that feeds my mind/heart/soul; is learning and the satisfaction that comes from getting answers. Learning the What, Where, When, Why, and How? I like to know how things work. Whether it’s a toaster or my loves’ minds. Why do you prefer A over B? Why does your mind follow this process? How did you get from A to B? When did you decide this? Why is this what you want? How can I help you with those things? Why can’t I help you with these things?

Learning your partner’s likes; food, favorite restaurants, the types of shampoo, soap, how they take coffee, etc. Learning their moods, styles, friends, needs, wants, desires. Learning how they think, tease, show affection. Learning about who annoys them, thrills them, amuses them. Are they a gamer? A Nerd? A Jock? Do they clean the house every week? Where do they keep things? What do they like to read? What type of movies do they like? Music? What do they do to relax? Do they share well? Is their mattress hurting them? Depression? Anxiety? Medications? Old injuries?

Poly? How do they act/react to their other partners? Do they obsess over one? Can they say no to all of their relationships? Yes? What’s their public decorum policy? Is it different for each partner? Why? Do they include every partner in all aspects of their life? Do they separate kink/non-kink parts to different partners? Are they 24/7 or just ‘when they can’? Are they out to their family? Friends? Other loves? Do they share well? Do they fall victim to NRE? How do they label? Do their labels match yours? Do they fall victim to ‘Oh, shiny!’? Are you it? What is your role? Did they explain it? Did you understand it? Are you sure? Did they understand you? Are you sure? How do they communicate? How do your partner(s) express their love? Do you recognize it when they do?

The answers satisfy my basic thirst for knowledge… and then; taking all of the answers, processing them and finding ways to love your partner better or meet their needs better or adjustments that need to be made fulfills my nurture-and-care-for side. Nothing, and I mean nothing hurts me worse than being ignored, neglected, or my partner(s) making assumptions about any of my answers. ASK me the questions, TALK to me about my needs and the reasons behind them, STOP assuming you know what I am thinking or feeling. Assuming my answer, whether it’s a positive or a negative, takes away my free will and my consent.

You want to change our sex policy because you feel restricted? Ok, then we need to talk about that; Why it makes you feel restricted, what you want to change, how you want to implement it, when you want to change it, and with whom? If you assume that I won’t be willing? You’re doing us both a disservice and stifling our relationship. I could say: ‘Yes!’ or ‘No!’ or ‘with protection, yes!’ or any number of answers. But, when you assume my answer will be ‘NO!’ and base your actions on that assumption… you are taking away my choices.

Relationships are about learning. Growing. Loving. Changing. They are not about assumptions.

Learning, growing, loving and changing… Living. Learning each other together. Growing through mutual respect. Loving each other with all your soul. Changing to meet each others needs. Living, together.

Advertisements

Foreknowledge

Foreknowledge: Knowledge or awareness of something before its existence or occurrence . It’s an ugly damn word. It is just not elegant at all. But, foreknowledge is very very important to me in general and in poly.  I don’t need the details. I don’t need to know you’re juggling rainbow colored dildos and keeping three plates spinning on sticks while having sex with your new partner in the back of a clown car.  Details would amuse the hell out of me, but aren’t necessary. But, I do need to know you’re having sex with the new partner. I need to know you’re exploring D/s with your new partner. I need to know for my own mental and physical health, so I can keep track of your mental and physical health and for the health of our relationship. And I need to know before it’s a public announcement. I’d really like to know when you first start talking about big changes with the new partner. It makes me feel out of the loop with you, my partner, when you don’t keep me up to date.  And I really, REALLY like to know *before* the facts come up in a casual context from the new partner. Because then I feel out of the loop and disrespected. When I know that’s not how you(and hopefully the new partner) are intending the news.

I’ve had to have this conversation with both R & D this past week… and I hope(and they both say they do) they both feel that we’re back on an even keel because I’m not angry with either of them. Our relationships are still developing and no matter how long you’ve been together, miscommunication can happen at anytime.  Being clear  and transparent on the facts and on the definitions of your relationships, and hell disagreements too, helps all of us stay up to date on how things are fluxing, or settling.  And.. I’m a fixer… If there’s an issue gods damnit I want to know, so I can commiserate and offer advice even when the issue isn’t between one of the boys and I. If they are having a disagreement with one of the other partners, maybe I’ll have an insight that can help. Maybe not, but fuck I can try. Try to keep everyone happy, my loves and their loves too.