On R(emembering)…

Yes, I’m thinking on you again. Some people might be wondering “Why?”

I don’t know. Some things just won’t go away.

I know what’s my fault. I fell in love with you. It happens seldom enough that when I do fall, it’s significant.

I miss you a lot.

Not the you who restricted me out of your life…the you that you were when we were happy. The you that made me smile and laugh. The you who would talk for hours about yourself and your worries, wants and loves. The you who sang me Tim Minchin songs in bed. The you who couldn’t keep your hands off me.

I wasn’t looking for you at all. I didn’t even know who you were when you found me. You asked me out. I told you all the things that would make that difficult. I gave you an itemized list: distance, my kids, time needs, old wounds, other love interests, etc… I gave you fair warning about who I was and what I needed. I asked if you were dating anyone outside of your wife, who is a friend. You said no.

You pushed. You pushed hard. You wanted a strong secondary relationship. Not a primary, you had H and I had D; but for me to have a strong influence in your life and you in mine. We started calling it ‘main’ cause it wasn’t exactly primary… but wasn’t exactly secondary either.

I relented. I had no hopes for the evening to turn out well. You charmed me. You made me laugh.

You encouraged me to let down my guard. I worried about emotional attachment. About becoming attached too quickly. You encouraged it and you said you were becoming attached too. I loved.

Finally, you had me. For almost two months, things went well. You started dating another secondary, B. One that you had omitted spending 2-3 nights a week with when I had asked if you were dating. There were issues with scheduling from the start. All the things we had agreed on for us, didn’t work for her. All the things you said you didn’t want to do with her, she wanted.

Suddenly, the majority of our time was being used up, not to meet our needs together; but to meet B’s needs.

That’s when you stopped pulling me to you and got distant. That’s when other omissions started becoming clear. That’s when you started pushing me away. That’s when our relationship started being last on your list. That’s when you started shutting me out of parts of your life. Kink. Public time. Energy. Focus. Communication. Sex.

I asked if you were done? Being me, though, when you said no, you loved me; my immediate thought was that you meant it. Because I don’t play mind games. When you offered things to me, it didn’t occur to me that those would become ‘ways I restricted you’ or ‘things that I asked for’ later. I believed in you because I loved you.

I wanted to save what we had…because I was in love with you.

We made it through the holidays and then you needed a ‘break’. You were stepping back from both me and B and would talk with each of us about our schedule. In the mean time, we’d each see you one evening, shared; and one night, alone.

I tried to sort out what went wrong. I thought maybe I made a mistake. You punished me for placing restrictions on you that I never asked for and then you punished me for trying to fix what was now broken. You accused me of manipulating you. I didn’t get time with you for 2 weeks.

We all shared a non-kink weekend event. You didn’t seem to miss me at all. I had to ask for time alone to reconnect. You commented about how we were so easy together afterward. I found out during that weekend that you’d already taken back B.

I waited another two weeks for you to talk with me about our schedule. We had a weekend long kink event, you and me and B. I left that weekend feeling like I had to force you to spend time with me.

Two days after the event I finally broke down and had to ask you what my schedule was going to be with you. And you cut me further out of your life and cut our time down from what our relationship started with by two thirds.

One night a week.

Really one night a month since I’d have to share that night with your other partners 3 out of 4 weeks a month. And you couldn’t explain how that was fair to us or me.

I asked about options:

Could we alternate another night between me and another of your partners?
No.

Could you let me know when you had days off so I could hermit with you like your other partners?
No.

Could I come up to you on a week night and spend a few hours, though I couldn’t stay overnight cause I’d have to get the kids off to school in the morning?
Maybe. Sometimes. Not every week. You weren’t sure.

Could I be included in your community meetings, like your other partners?
No.

Could we make a time during the day that was ours?
No, daytimes were for you.

Could you give me a phone call one or two nights a week?
No. You hated talking on the phone.

I asked again how was that what we had wanted out of our relationship. How was that fair to us. How was that going to meet our needs as a couple.

And you were done. You quit. I ‘wanted too much’. I couldn’t give you the ‘distance’ you needed. I was ‘unhealthy for you’.

All of 4 hours after completely rewriting our relationship, you were done.

And I didn’t and don’t understand; what I wanted from you at the end of our relationship was the same thing we both said we wanted at the beginning… and you insisted that you still wanted those things too.

And I’m still left with not understanding. I can’t get the answers from you. We haven’t really talked for a while. Not really talked. I try to keep it light, because it still hurts when you get angry or defensive or blame me for us breaking. Suddenly, I’m the only one at fault. You won’t admit to doing anything wrong. You can’t see the other things that affected us. My truth is ‘just my perception’ and your truth is the truth.

I know there were things I did that were wrong for you. You’ve said so. But you won’t talk to me about what they were. You won’t explain how they were wrong. You won’t explain why you hid them from me for so long. You won’t explain when you started feeling them. I don’t want to fill in the blanks myself, cause that’s not fair to either of us. So the questions simply sit there. And occasionally fly around my heart and cut me again.

You don’t seem to miss me. You didn’t seem to mourn us at all. Most of the time you act like we don’t still have feelings for each other.

It’s been six weeks.

And at some point, I admitted to myself that I was missing you still. I feel foolish because I still care, still miss you and still want to fix what didn’t need to break. I want to talk about burying the past and getting back together. Trying us, now, out for size. Not a primary, we both already have one. But a solid secondary relationship. And that was when I realized it wouldn’t matter… we’d had that. And it wasn’t worth enough to you to protect it or fight for it.

I started writing an email. About what I’d need that was ‘less’ or ‘different’ than what I needed before. And that was when I realized I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW if you would just pull away again. That was when I realized I don’t have lower needs from you. Focus, energy, sex, kink; all based during time that was ours. My time with you being treated with respect by you and B. Being treated fairly. Not being shut out of your life. Open, honest, clear communication. Remaining honest with me about your sexual activities, for our safety.

I had never asked you for your focus during time that was someone else’s. H’s time was hers and I respected that. B’s time was hers and I respected that. I never had to be everywhere you went. I was perfectly able to greet you, show my love and say goodnight without interfering in your time with another partner when we all ended up in the same space.

But if I asked for the same respect, I was being selfish. I was interfering. I was ‘trying to take things away’. I was being ‘negative’. I was ‘isolating’ you. I was being ‘manipulative’.

But it doesn’t end there.

I still can’t turn off the caring. I still miss you. I still love you. I don’t particularly like you right now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you like crazy.

You can’t stop either.

We still talk everyday. You still ask me for my advice. I still talk to you about my day. We still spend time together within the community.

Why can’t I turn you off? I’ve never had a relationship sour so quickly, never been accused the way you accused me, never been treated as… low in value as you treated me at the end. I’ve had years long poly relationships in the past. More than one. What happened?

Focus

It has been a little longer than usual since my last post. There’ve been some really, really busy days and a lot of soul searching going on amongst my relationships.

Saturday, there was a kink event; I had a wonderful time, scened with both the boys. They both had scenes with their OSOs(other significant others). I thought the evening, with only two moments of exception, was wonderful. R’s newest relationship B was there with us. Our agreement(R&I) is that event time is shared. No matter who’s day it is by the schedule. And that part of it went *very* well. We had neglected to clarify with her what our expectations were during scene time, which to me is from the time either of the boys comes to get me(whether we wait 20 min for a station or 2min) until a mutually agreed end to our aftercare. My expectations of that time is that it is not interrupted by *any* OSOs unless it’s a co-operative scene with more than one of them. There were two moments that she came to speak with him during the beginning and end of our scene time.

Now, I was fine with that, I realized after the initial flinching that we hadn’t discussed it so I couldn’t blame her for not knowing. I was irritated however that she decided to pout about being asked to not interrupt aftercare and end the night poorly for R. With that and some concerns about the scheduling, I asked for a ‘group meeting’ with R, H, B and I. To discuss scene expectations, shared time expectations, and the schedule. Scheduled it for last night. I thought it mostly went well, I made a concession to B schedule wise, she agreed to the scene expectations, and almost everything was heard. What was skipped, that I had to bring up again today to R was ‘shared time’ and where his focus is expected to be.

My expectation is, who ever’s time of the schedule it is, that’s the person his focus should be on. Not that the other relationships are ignored or treated poorly, but that his main energy would be focused on the person on the schedule for that time. Which sounds so much more complicated than it is. If it’s my time with you, I want your focus. How is that difficult? But that particular issue is hard and causing upheavals. I will say, I understand that B is younger, not just in years but in mentality at times, too. And sometimes demanding and selfish. But, honestly? We are all demanding and selfish in our own ways. We all want our relationships to work. We all want everyone involved to be happy.

R has agreed to be mindful of B’s cling level and how often she invites herself to time that is mine. So.. again we are working, growing and adjusting.

Thanksgiving 2010

It’s been close to a year since I started my foray into the kink/BDSM community. It’s been an exciting, thrilling, frustrating, delicious journey. As the holidays roll around and I start considering all the changes that have occurred in my life and all of the changes yet to happen, I am thankful. To all the folk who have made me welcome, taught me, enriched me I give my thanks. Thank you, all the new exciting people who are part of my chosen family. To crew, thank you for the acceptance, learning and space to be myself. To my family, thank you for accepting those things you have learned and not asking about those you have not. To my children, there are no words to say how much you mean to me. To the boys, thank you for sharing your lives.

To R, ditas vitae and I cannot thank you enough for the love, care, energy, affection and acceptance I feel with you. I am forever thankful that we have started this journey together and plan to enjoy every second I have with you.

To his H, thank you. Thank you for accepting and understanding the love I feel for him, for being my friend and being present in my life.

To D, thank you for your patience, your care, and your affection. Thank you for being who you are, for your laughter, for your smiles and for loving me.

To T, you are the quiet influence, the voice of reflection. Thank you for teaching me, showing me different points of view, and for your trust and care.

To my friends, you all have my love. Thank you for being a support, trusting me to support you and letting me cry on your shoulders.

Happy Thanksgiving, to all of my families.