Tag Archive: needs


(or Secondary relationships, brought to you by the letter P and the number 2)

My sweetie pointed me toward K&P tonight to look at a post about love being what you do vs what you feel. And it was certainly interesting, but I noticed and read several about ‘secondary’ partners that sort of triggered a need to post.

There seems to be this mental association to the label of secondary, that somehow calling somone secondary or being called a secondary partner means that you’re “lesser” or “disposable” or treating your partner as lesser or what have you. And that may well be the case in some relationships. Which is complete crap of course. Sure, one of the actual definitions of the word secondary is: of second rank, importance, or value.  But, did anyone other than me learn in kindergarten that words can have multiple meanings?

How about this definition: not first in order of occurrence or development.  What exactly is wrong with being the second person I am in love with or develop a relationship with? What exactly is wrong with calling that relationship ‘secondary’ or ‘my secondary relationship’ or ‘my secondary partner’? D is my primary partner, yeah that means he was here before you. That doesn’t mean that a secondary partner will get a smaller piece of the love loaf. (Have a habit of making similes about love not being like a loaf of bread, though I guess that makes them reverse similes? Whatevs, I just wanted to say love loaf. Oh, I said it again! Nee.)

Or this: of, relating to, or being the second order or stage in a series. Hmm. Sounds like poly to me! Let’s pretend! I have a series of relationships… longest running: primary, next longest running: secondary, etc, so on and so forth. Having a longer history or a deeper life entanglement (think bills, kids, family squabbles) with a primary partner doesn’t mean a secondary partner is lesser! Matter of fact, most of the time it means a secondary partner gets more relaxation, more calm, more good things; because they are less(uh-oh, there’s that four letter word again!) likely to have the same life responsibilities that a primary partner will have.

Alternate synonyms for ‘secondary’ if you just can’t wrap your head around the whole ‘secondaries aren’t lesser’ thing: accessory, alternate, auxiliary, backup, extra, relief, reserve, subsidiary, supporting, tributary, consequential… Hell, call it anything except late to dinner provided you’re treated well and happy in it.

Seriously, who gives a flying fuck on a flat faced flugle horse about the label, honestly?! Stop spending so much time hung up on “oh, gosh that label sounds like secondaries are lesser or being treated as lesser”. Focus on what being a second partner is to you and the people you are with! If they are treating you as lesser and disposable, then you have an issue. If not, you don’t need to make the label the issue. Enjoy having another person in your life to love and be loved by!

(Imaginary cookies to everyone who gets the movie references sprinkled through out. Again, I’m a dork. :))

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2013 is going to be a banner year! Because I say so, that’s why. *grins* I’m going to be listing somethings here for reference and accountability(to myself). Let’s start with my resolutions…

1. Blog more! I only posted 3 times last year! That makes me super sad… I’d love to say post weekly, but I’m going to aim for twice a month, with more being better. Plus, I’d like to get more views, followers and countries tuning in.. It’s currently at 2 followers(something between facebook and wordpress lost me 13 followers?), 930 individual views, and 41 countries! The US, the UK, and Brazil are the front runners.

2. Get a new job. One I like. One that’s fulfilling. I am so so tired of being mindnumb and out of work at work!

3. Push boundaries and enrich myself. With D, in our D/s, kink and family. With O(you’ll meet him later!) I want to be unafraid of exploring fully. With P, M, H, T… renewing friendship or expanding on the same. Go to more classes, participate in the groups I’m already a member of, find new/old joy in crafting, art, love! I’m so hopeful right now.

4. Find ways to make the new house our home! We’re finally out of the small town and closer to friends. I want to be sure that the kids, D and I explore all the ‘new’ things that we are able to do and experience now!

5. Enjoy my life. There’s been so much stress, change(good and bad), and upheaval in the last year… I want to be more mindful of what I have, who I am, who I love, and giving all of my relationships with friends, family, loves… the best I have in me.

Boy, that was sappy and joyful… I’m going to have to hand in my ‘I’m a Tough Bitch’ card.

Joy & Change

I’m combining these for the moment… So many good changes for me this past fall. We moved out of the small town to the city. We both have exciting, new(well, newer for me, D’s have been longer) and(crosses fingers) what look like very very solid new relationships with… dare I say it, long term potential! EEEEE! Yes, that was a girlish squeal! Mark. The. Calendars.

So, I suppose it’s time to introduce O to the narrative? I don’t know, sometimes I like to imagine the suffering you all go thru when I don’t update you (yeah, right!). Well, let’s see… It’s been just under two years since I’ve dated anyone. D has me and newer (less than a year?) relationships with P and M. Love both the girls, they are great fun and confidantes of mine in their own ways, as well as loves for D.

M is married to L, they have both been my friends for years, the kids all get along well and L has often escorted me to events when D was unavailable, though we don’t scene or date each other. 

P is married to O. He’s intrigued me in a quiet way for a bit now. Like, ‘Hmm. Who’s this? Oh, yeah, that guy. The one with that weirdly intriguing energy, big smile and wild look in ‘is eye. I should try to get to know him.” Then something would happen, or I’d remember how crappily my last relationship went, and I wouldn’t.

Then D started seeing P… and slowly we all started spending time together off and on. And…”Yeah, he’s damn fucking intriguing. Awesome conversation about blood and death and how alike we think on these things over here. Damn we’re weird… awesome.” And things would happen, like moving and getting the kids adjusted to the new house/school/schedule.

And that finally all slowed down, and I lost patience with myself and pushed for dating.. with minor bumps, now we are… and he’s surprising. This relationship is surprising. I am feeling NRE, but it’s without the level of ‘frantic’ I usually feel. I’m fighting with myself to not just open up the majority of my shields to him and enjoy. And I’m wondering why I’m fighting it. And there’s a deep and quiet joy within me. Plus, he likes hanging out as a group or with the kids(combined) and that’s important! I’m trying to not get ahead of myself, but I’m so very hopeful and pleased. And once I ask how he feels about my discussing our sexual escapades here, I may get to share… If not, let me just say damn. Seriously.

Change. Everyday I am so thankful and happy and immersed in my relationship with D. If I was in the sappy mood, hey it happens from time to time, there might be mention of soulmates and girly shit like that. 😉 He is so very, very good for me and I hope I am as good or better for him. If I was in a proud mood, I wouldn’t even question it. I am.

But our relationship is changing, deepening, we’re into our third year together and creating our home and family to a deeper extent than before… and our D/s and kink and reevaluating where we want to take them. Plus changes in his work, hopefully mine soon as well and maybe, looking at some edumacation opportunities at the end of this year? I don’t know, and definitely want that at some point… but let’s stick to creating our home, deepening our family, our love, and expanding all of those things as well. And exploring the new!

Snarfle the Garflack, love.

It’s an inside joke. And, yes, I know it’s ‘narfle the Garthok’; whatever, it’s my joke, shut up.

Hopefully I’m able to explain it properly here. It’s the phrase I use to encourage D. Usually toward something that he’s not sure he’s ready to do or isn’t sure he has the ability to do; but keeps saying he wants. And at the risk of sounding sexist; he’s a guy, it usually involves emotions. Garflack is what ever ‘big scary thing’ thing is going on… and usually isn’t such a big scary thing in the end.

It’s come up a bit lately. He’s exploring his poly, more than he has before and it’s raising new feelings, issues, and worries. It’s interesting to be supporting him through it. I’m glad I am and I love seeing him grow and become. You know what I mean?

I’m sort of discovering that I’m really protective of him too. Not to the point of weirdness, but that I’m pretty fucking blunt when I see others in his life pulling shit.  He, of course, gets to make his own choices about what he is doing and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Through out the course of his exploration, we’ve discovered so many new things about us. Individually. As a couple. Our power exchange/Ds.

We’ve discovered we have very minimal rules for each other, though they are important ones. Practice safe sex. Don’t do anything that will harm us. Act, speak and live with honesty, integrity and honor.  That one’s a doozy, but so important. Keep each other informed. And finding where those rules expand or contract depending on the situation.

And there are moments where I have to say it to myself. Facing my attachment to an ex and how it was affecting my emotions still… so difficult. Snarfle the Garflack. Finding out what it really is I am afraid of in opening myself up to ‘new’ people. Snarfle! The unexpected ones, like discovering that I mostly have acquaintances in the community, where I thought I had friends. That was a hard one.

I always try to make sure I’m using it well and saying it from a place of encouragement and love. He is my Sir and my love as well as my partner and I have to make sure I’m respecting all the aspects of our relationship when offering a push.  But I know he appreciates my support, my encouragement and my love.

We have an event coming up in June that we are both looking forward to… we’re on staff this year and with all these new discoveries about each other and ‘us’, we’re looking forward to exploring our boundaries in such an open, loving, energy rich place.  Hopefully our experiences this year will be as good as last, or better!

Hopefully, I’ll be hurting some boys. I am going to snarfle the fuck out of THAT Garflack, as soon as I can.

Of course, sometimes, ‘Snarfle the Garflack’ is code for: ‘Here, take these condoms and go fuck her already. Sheesh.’

I’m serious AND silly. 😛                                     Ooh, now I want to hear ‘Tainted Love’….

This past weekend…held a lot of fun and disappointment. Let’s start with the fun…

Friday afternoon I headed off to a large local event. I took off work early, gathered up my bags, settled the kids with the sitters(thank you!) and hit rush hour traffic. *grins* I always think that is a fair price to pay for the fun I’m about to have. I haven’t been able to go out too much lately and was über excited for the weekend. I had a couple of scenes planned as a top, was healthy for the first weekend in 6 weeks, and would get to spend extra time with D…fantastic right?

Well, yes. And no. Let’s go semi-chronological here:

Arrived at the hotel excited. Waving at a friend I recognized and hurrying to the front door. Tripped on NOTHING and fell flat in front of about 6 people, one of whom is a smoking hot presenter that I have a ridiculous I-feel-like-a-bumbly-teenager crush on. Mortifying much? *laughs* Ah well, such is life with my natural talent for klutz. Knees are a bit tender now.

Check in and head to unload the car. I run into a local friend who wants to gossip about some drama in the community that includes an ex of mine. Disappointment. I’m going to address a mini rant to that at the end of the post. And to save me having to type it up over and over, I’m going to put Φ every time someone brought the drama up to me. I made one trip from the car to the room and realize… I’m super exhausted and maybe not as over my bronchitis as I thought. wheeze Only two trips to go! On the second trip I ran into some friends and thank Bob*, they were kind enough to help me bring the rest of my gear up. And then I took a break… damn I was tired. Knees are achingly tired!

Unpacking and showering and coordinating with D when he’d be arriving and oh, fuck I’m late to the DM orientation. Dashed downstairs and caught the majority of it, while holding my corset strings tight. Immediately needed to find someone to tighten me up since I still haven’t mastered tightening my own corset while it’s on my body. So happens, the ex I mentioned above is the first person I see who I know can tighten a corset properly. Sweet! Chit chatted while he was tightening, about everyday stuff. Yay, I’m done, thanks. How are you? Φ Oh, community folks are being judgmental and gossipy? No, I’m not surprised. I’m disappointed. See the rant. Knees are a-ok.

Found D and we visited for a bit catching up on our day and going over our plans for the weekend. Chatted with random folk, friends, etc. Found the first gentleman, Dante, I had a topping scene with and discussed basic ideas of what we were planning. I held my cards pretty close, since I immensely enjoy ‘surprising’ bottoms with my choice of play. We arranged a time for our electric scene and went off to opening remarks. Φ Shortly afterwards I ran into a coy lady that I enjoy poking. She makes pretty noises and says I’m evil. I poked, prodded, pulled hair, pinched, pressure pointed, and kneed her. Amongst other bits of things. She squealed quite nicely. Right knee might be bruised…

After a smoke or three, conversations with D and friends Φ, and an outfit change; it was time to find Dante and have our scene. Found him and had a brief chat in the hall again about expectations/limits/wants/etc. Ok, wow, I’m really more exhausted than I thought… breathe… Check and make sure he’s aware of the tired and ok to continue. Awesome.

We find a spot and he takes my boots off. yay

And rubs my feet. Ooh, very nice

And sucks my toes. I like that way more than I thought I would.. am I developing a foot fetish?

OK. Now strip. Our scene has changed.  internal snickering

I order him to lay back on the bench after some kisses and nibbling. Biting. Scratching. Clips. Nipple torture. Rubber hose. I straddle the bench and cradle him to me while he comes down. Oh, we’re not done yet, my boy.

More biting, scratching, kisses, nipple play, clips. I cradle him again but this time continue biting and scratching. I reach around and play with his piercing, smack his balls. I like his moans. Oh, you like that more than you want to let on, hmm?

I stand in front of him and contemplate for a moment. Clothespins. Tracing wheel. Fishing bells. Yes.

He holds my string of clothespins while I place them one at a time on his balls. They look pretty and he reacts but not loudly enough to suit me. Fine

Running the wheel across his cock brings louder noises and concerned eyes from him. smiles

Don’t worry, it didn’t break skin. He sighs. Clothespins come off and it’s time for the final peak. I place the fishing bells; one on each ball. They dangle down and jingle as I smack his shaft. grins

I kneel down and pressure point his feet. Dancing bells and screaming. Delicious

And cradling him again as we wind down. Stroking his chest, I realize it’s been way too long since I’ve had a bottom of my own. Something to contemplate. Final strokes, kisses, and cleanup and we smile and part ways. So much fun

I step outside and visit with folks Φ, smoke, find D. I have a bit of an energy boost from the scene, hooray! Talk about the scene and what he’s been up to while I was busy. Grab a few snacks, out to smoke again and exhaustion comes home to roost. Oy. We decide to head off to bed. My knees are aching.

Morning. Slowly wake up. Bob*, I’m tired. There weren’t any classes in the morning that we particularly wanted to catch, so we took our time waking and talking and headed out to breakfast. My left knee is hating the stairs! A cute little French bakery/bistro. Coffee, quiche, bacon, fruit. MMmm. Feeling a bit better. Heading back to the hotel, I decide I want a nap. Yup, I’ve been awake all of three hours and need a nap. I’m limping! Left knee still hates the stairs!

Napping. D futzes on the computer until it’s time for our first class. Good info, but more basic than we expected from the class description. Head over to the second class. Great info, fantastic subject, amusing presenter…and something I can’t ever do for physical reasons. sadface Visit folks for a few, we both poke at the bruises I left on my coy lady friend, and head upstairs to change for dinner. Stairs! Knee! Argh!

Dinner out just the two of us… it’s been too long since we could do that. Just sinking into the moment with him. So, so wonderful and it eases a bit of longing for him inside of me. Leisurely head back to the hotel. Damn, I’m limping again! And suddenly, like it was just waiting for me to relax a bit… my knee is driving me practically to tears. Back at the hotel and upstairs for an outfit change. We discuss the knee and decide I should take it easy. Then we have vigorous sexy times. Shower and the cold tiles make me cry. Man, I’m exhausted and hurting.

Limping about downstairs for a bit, visiting, outside to smoke, sitting down to rest the knee. D finally convinces me to head off to bed after a good friend hands over some meds. Brief talk with a hypno aficionado and a few friends Φ while D helps out with a scene, then a last smoke and bed. So, I missed my second topping scene. And, yes, that’s right by 9:30 on a Sat night at a big event, I was in bed, drugged up. D took my DM shift and checked up on me various times. I woke up once about 1?  when he came back to the room and decided I needed a smoke. So down we went and apparently I was hysterical. shrugs I don’t recall exactly what I said. I think there was flirting with the security guard.

Sunday, we both woke up late and were slow-moving. By the time we got down stairs most of the event gear was packed up, so we said goodbyes Φ and visited with each other again for a few before he had to head off to work.

So. I fell down in an embarrassing fashion, bashed up my knee(though it seems fine now?), missed a scene as a top and a flying scene and multiple people kept bringing up drama. Negatives

I also had a wonderful scene with Dante, lots of one on one time with D, great sex, a fantastic visit with several folks, lots of sleep, and overall? I came away happy. Positives

*Fyi: Bob is my generic swear for whichever ‘god/God’ you wanna put in there.

All in all, it was a great weekend except for the multiple reminders of drama.

                                                                                                                                                                                         

SO, now it’s time for my Φ rant. I’m not even sure it’s going to qualify, because I’m not ‘angry’. I’m severely disappointed.

A couple of weeks ago I found out that an ex had broken some promises while we were dating. Now, it doesn’t really affect me in a deep emotional way too much today because he and I aren’t dating anymore and it’s been awhile, plus it really helped fill in the blanks for some unanswered questions I had. So I’m not crying or angry like I would have been had I found out when it was happening. I am, however, disappointed.

Disappointed that he wasn’t the one to tell me. That the person who did, contributed to his deceptions and hasn’t really accepted their responsibility in it. That they keep trying to blow it off like they had little to no choice. That he still hasn’t apologized. That things I didn’t know about contributed to our break up and I’m sure he’s still convinced that his deceptions had nothing to do with it. That he’d betray my trust and the trust of his other loves in that way. That because of those broken promises, he and I were pretty much doomed before we started. But those things are personal and not something I want to delve into with everyone, thanks. Back off.

You know who I am really, really disappointed in? Our community. Oh, my Bob! Seriously people? The gloating, malicious, ranting from people this whole situation doesn’t even concern!

And you all seem to either a) forget or b) don’t care that you’re asking one of the betrayed people all these questions and putting someone down that, broken promises or no, I still care about. Did it cross your mind at all to empathize or say ‘i’m sorry this happened to you’? Nope. You’re all too busy crowing about ‘how awful’ and ‘how could he’ and ‘isn’t it horrible’ to think about WHO you are saying all these things to.

You know what? He broke promises to me too!

And since when were people supposed to be perfect?

Do I approve of what he did? No, of course not.

Do I think he made a wise choice? No, of course not.

But you know what? He’s a human being. We all make mistakes. Grow up, mind your own, and stop expecting perfection. He’ll either sort this out or not and that’s his life. Go have your own life and remember that you certainly aren’t perfect either.

Get a room!

I hear this a lot. Specifically when I’m interacting with D. Suprisingly, mostly from fellow kinksters. Usually, we’re just kissing. No groping or even ‘making out’.  Just a passionate kiss. Maybe even a ‘dip’ during the kiss.

I enjoy receiving affection from D in public. Not our love on ‘display’, but it’s a positive interaction… Why wait for privacy to express our feelings?

I’ve also been the person who’s felt ‘left out’ or like a ‘third wheel’ when a partner and his OSO interact intimately in front of me. It depends on the setting and the interaction and is usually when I feel I’m not getting my needs met with that partner. Or it’s invading my physical space, like throwing your leg over his lap and kicking me in the process… or certain things in a vanilla space, especially if they are things I asked for recently. I’ve felt extraneous and forgotten. This comes into play more so when I’m being ignored and not receiving my partner’s focus during time that is mine.

I find myself approving of passion and yet, that comes with ‘qualifiers’… very confusing at times. Some people are really shy and some bold and some are in the throes of NRE. A hug, a kiss, holding hands, being close; are all things I enjoy that help me feel close to my partner. My line for inappropriate falls around nudity/gropings/volume/energy more than anything else.. If you’re putting your hands down her pants or shirt, or if I’m seeing stuff that’s usually covered by a bathing suit or you’re moaning loudly enough to attract my attention… it’s too much.  If  you’re laying all over your partner to the point that your feet are in my lap, too much. Now I don’t have anything against making out but if you’re physically or energetically invading my space… too much.  Though that particular limit stands whether it’s a kink or vanilla space… personal boundaries.  But yeah, hand holding, being close, kissing in public, I think it’s fine.

Then there are the folk who’ve said it’s about arousal. sighs I don’t know what to say here. Do I want to see raging hard ons or damp panties everywhere? Well, no, in vanilla space;  not really. But I also know that just having an intense conversation can arouse me… so.. again, no nudity and we’re good.

On the other hand, in kink space… grins I’m a huge fan of nudity, hard men and damp ladies. Voyeuristic much? A not too much, a much too much.

HOW I HANDLE PDA WITH WHICH I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE… ALSO SUGGESTED FOR YOUR OWN USE.

Most people define for themselves what they think is OK pda. In the end, my sensitivities are my own, provided the pda isn’t physically or energetically in my space. Cause that’s non-consensual.. On the other hand; If you can’t agree or accept that people will engage in pda sometimes and that you’re going to witness pda sometimes, then I think your social options are likely to be incredibly limited.

So, what do I do when I see pda that I feel uncomfortable about? I either wait quietly until they are done or I experiment with repeating and/or holding this position, occasionally alternating with getting up and leaving the room……. SO EASY A CARTOON CAN DO IT.