I asked for a public scene last night. Something that I have minimal issues with at kink events, but this was at practice. This was in front of my chosen family. For some reason, that has given me pause for a while. I don’t want to strip or play or many other things in front of my family and perhaps that carried over into my chosen family? Regardless, I took my fears in hand and asked to go out on that ledge and play.

I asked for a scene… I didn’t know what I wanted when I asked. So, D grabbed his bag and followed me downstairs. As soon as I saw the bed was unoccupied, I knew what I wanted. Nothing in the bag, just he and I.

I wanted to wrestle.

I wanted to fight and struggle and laugh. I love to wrestle, especially against someone who’s stronger than me. I know he’ll win, I know no matter how hard I struggle I can’t escape him. And for these fears it was perfect. I was choosing something that I couldn’t win, but wasn’t intense enough to need to stop for any emotional reason. Something that was still fun and laughter inducing. I would have to go through with it, to fight, to struggle and lose. I would have to face this fear and enjoy it.

And we did. We wrestled and thrashed and fought. I knocked him off the bed once and he tossed me through the air a few times. *grins* He still has my shirt today and is making me bargain for it back. And somewhere in the middle of our scene, I let go. I still don’t know what it was I was clinging to but I let it go. I do think there are still steps to take for my personal comfort. I know there are things I’d still consider ‘uncomfortable’ that others do at practice. But you know what? That’s ok. It’s ok that my comfort levels are different and last night gave me the confidence that when I am ready? I’ll adjust. And last night verified my trust in him yet again: that he’ll guide, push, throw me right into my fears and that he’ll be there to catch me before I fall or pick me up when I do.

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