Tag Archive: R


Updates…

I’m stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck. Stuck in a hurting, crying, depressed, angry, bleak, uncaring, fruitless and unhappy place. Not completely… the kids and D are bright lights. But, I seem to have lost my coping mechs that I learned in therapy a few years ago. That or they’ve served their purpose and I need new ones.

Housing, work, family, love life issues. laughs The same things everyone worries about, yes?

I originally had the above saved as a beginning draft on Sept. 9th. And reading it again now… I still feel stuck. But, I’m not hurting, angry. Nor do I feel like my circumstances are fruitless or that I don’t care.

I’m still fighting housing issues and may not be moving as soon as I had hoped. I’m still struggling with money issues. I’m still in a job I dislike and find thankless and uninspiring.

But I have my kids. I have D. My love life has had it’s ups and downs in the last year, but I’m thankful even for the painful ending with R. That and a couple of good friends who have decided to remain good friends have given me some good lessons in patience.

Though it is an irritant that R’s interactions with me seem to be based on his ‘omigodshe’sstillhunguponmegetbackfoulbeast!’ rather than my ‘hey we’re still friends, hope everything’s alright.’ Meh. I can’t solve everything and am focusing on myself and my family first.

Appreciating what I have. Delighting in an old friend grown into a love interest again. I’ll be introducing him soon.

I’ve had so many new experiences this year both singly and with D. At COPE in September, we co-topped together for multiple scenes. We’re all still getting compliments on one of those. And it was indeed delightful.

And he’s seeing me go through depression and stress and how I cope and finding ways to help me and other ways to just support me and let me feel. Slowly, carefully we are finding our way and path and joy together, through this and growing closer each day.

Finding out who my real friends are through this… The people who actually notice and care. Who reach out. smiles Even if it’s just with a ‘Hey, we miss you.’

Yes. I miss you all too.

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Decisions. Some hard decisions are coming up for me over the next few months. I’m going to be moving… I have wanted to move for years, it was just not feasible. And now, I don’t see anyway to avoid it at this point. So not an ideal situation.

To complicate that I have to worry about the kids… a good school, babysitting, the ‘trauma’ of moving, changes in their routine and just general kid worries! How’s my family going to handle me moving out of their sphere of influence? My parents especially and to a lesser extent my siblings all seem to think that they should be running my life.

Yay for family dynamics!

I have some decisions to make around my relationship with D too. He’s started a new job which is going to put us on different schedules for the foreseeable future. (I just realized how ugly ‘foreseeable’ is strictly in a visual sense. shudders) We’re talking about the adjustments that will leave us with sorting out… time: for kink, M/s,  sex, family, friends, and for just *being* together. We’ve talked about how most likely I’ll be going to a lot of events without him. Which, yes, I’ve done before. And I’m perfectly capable of doing so again. Just… not my favorite idea.

And with both of us soon to be looking for a new place… we’ve discussed moving in — together. Decisions, decisions.
Time. Much has changed  over the last 6 months. A lot of things and relationships and interactions. D and I have moved forward in our relationship on multiple levels and exploring as much as reality will allow. R ended our relationship. Money issues and school and babysitters and on and on have all changed.

T, with whom I had a mutual committed interest, and I discussed just today how that interest has changed/not changed. sigh And the conclusion was that it needs to adjust from ‘committed interest here, waiting for the right time’ to ‘this is my good friend, possibly occasional play partner’. He’s picked up some new responsibilities (work and relationship) lately and with those, his life is busy. Which is, of course, understandable… but upsetting. Sometimes I hate being practical.

Though I was told today that my being ‘imminently practical and full of blunt clarity’ is a loved characteristic. Thank you, D.

Here did she fall a tear, here in this place
I’ll set a bank of rue, sour herb of grace.
-William Shakespeare

Rue. sighs Quite a bit has happened in the last 6 months that have tested my grace. Mainly, the ending of the relationship with R. And I’m struggling to a certain extent now to establish a scening relationship with him, without lingering pain and regret lacing that or harming our friendship. I’m biting my tongue a lot, a LOT at the “objections” coming in from B… they seem to be really similar(exactly) the issues I got accused of being ‘my fault’ and used as reasons for ending our relationship… hmmm…double standard, much?

Ooh, was that catty or blunt clarity again? Either way, more a club than a stiletto, I suppose.

On R(emembering)…

Yes, I’m thinking on you again. Some people might be wondering “Why?”

I don’t know. Some things just won’t go away.

I know what’s my fault. I fell in love with you. It happens seldom enough that when I do fall, it’s significant.

I miss you a lot.

Not the you who restricted me out of your life…the you that you were when we were happy. The you that made me smile and laugh. The you who would talk for hours about yourself and your worries, wants and loves. The you who sang me Tim Minchin songs in bed. The you who couldn’t keep your hands off me.

I wasn’t looking for you at all. I didn’t even know who you were when you found me. You asked me out. I told you all the things that would make that difficult. I gave you an itemized list: distance, my kids, time needs, old wounds, other love interests, etc… I gave you fair warning about who I was and what I needed. I asked if you were dating anyone outside of your wife, who is a friend. You said no.

You pushed. You pushed hard. You wanted a strong secondary relationship. Not a primary, you had H and I had D; but for me to have a strong influence in your life and you in mine. We started calling it ‘main’ cause it wasn’t exactly primary… but wasn’t exactly secondary either.

I relented. I had no hopes for the evening to turn out well. You charmed me. You made me laugh.

You encouraged me to let down my guard. I worried about emotional attachment. About becoming attached too quickly. You encouraged it and you said you were becoming attached too. I loved.

Finally, you had me. For almost two months, things went well. You started dating another secondary, B. One that you had omitted spending 2-3 nights a week with when I had asked if you were dating. There were issues with scheduling from the start. All the things we had agreed on for us, didn’t work for her. All the things you said you didn’t want to do with her, she wanted.

Suddenly, the majority of our time was being used up, not to meet our needs together; but to meet B’s needs.

That’s when you stopped pulling me to you and got distant. That’s when other omissions started becoming clear. That’s when you started pushing me away. That’s when our relationship started being last on your list. That’s when you started shutting me out of parts of your life. Kink. Public time. Energy. Focus. Communication. Sex.

I asked if you were done? Being me, though, when you said no, you loved me; my immediate thought was that you meant it. Because I don’t play mind games. When you offered things to me, it didn’t occur to me that those would become ‘ways I restricted you’ or ‘things that I asked for’ later. I believed in you because I loved you.

I wanted to save what we had…because I was in love with you.

We made it through the holidays and then you needed a ‘break’. You were stepping back from both me and B and would talk with each of us about our schedule. In the mean time, we’d each see you one evening, shared; and one night, alone.

I tried to sort out what went wrong. I thought maybe I made a mistake. You punished me for placing restrictions on you that I never asked for and then you punished me for trying to fix what was now broken. You accused me of manipulating you. I didn’t get time with you for 2 weeks.

We all shared a non-kink weekend event. You didn’t seem to miss me at all. I had to ask for time alone to reconnect. You commented about how we were so easy together afterward. I found out during that weekend that you’d already taken back B.

I waited another two weeks for you to talk with me about our schedule. We had a weekend long kink event, you and me and B. I left that weekend feeling like I had to force you to spend time with me.

Two days after the event I finally broke down and had to ask you what my schedule was going to be with you. And you cut me further out of your life and cut our time down from what our relationship started with by two thirds.

One night a week.

Really one night a month since I’d have to share that night with your other partners 3 out of 4 weeks a month. And you couldn’t explain how that was fair to us or me.

I asked about options:

Could we alternate another night between me and another of your partners?
No.

Could you let me know when you had days off so I could hermit with you like your other partners?
No.

Could I come up to you on a week night and spend a few hours, though I couldn’t stay overnight cause I’d have to get the kids off to school in the morning?
Maybe. Sometimes. Not every week. You weren’t sure.

Could I be included in your community meetings, like your other partners?
No.

Could we make a time during the day that was ours?
No, daytimes were for you.

Could you give me a phone call one or two nights a week?
No. You hated talking on the phone.

I asked again how was that what we had wanted out of our relationship. How was that fair to us. How was that going to meet our needs as a couple.

And you were done. You quit. I ‘wanted too much’. I couldn’t give you the ‘distance’ you needed. I was ‘unhealthy for you’.

All of 4 hours after completely rewriting our relationship, you were done.

And I didn’t and don’t understand; what I wanted from you at the end of our relationship was the same thing we both said we wanted at the beginning… and you insisted that you still wanted those things too.

And I’m still left with not understanding. I can’t get the answers from you. We haven’t really talked for a while. Not really talked. I try to keep it light, because it still hurts when you get angry or defensive or blame me for us breaking. Suddenly, I’m the only one at fault. You won’t admit to doing anything wrong. You can’t see the other things that affected us. My truth is ‘just my perception’ and your truth is the truth.

I know there were things I did that were wrong for you. You’ve said so. But you won’t talk to me about what they were. You won’t explain how they were wrong. You won’t explain why you hid them from me for so long. You won’t explain when you started feeling them. I don’t want to fill in the blanks myself, cause that’s not fair to either of us. So the questions simply sit there. And occasionally fly around my heart and cut me again.

You don’t seem to miss me. You didn’t seem to mourn us at all. Most of the time you act like we don’t still have feelings for each other.

It’s been six weeks.

And at some point, I admitted to myself that I was missing you still. I feel foolish because I still care, still miss you and still want to fix what didn’t need to break. I want to talk about burying the past and getting back together. Trying us, now, out for size. Not a primary, we both already have one. But a solid secondary relationship. And that was when I realized it wouldn’t matter… we’d had that. And it wasn’t worth enough to you to protect it or fight for it.

I started writing an email. About what I’d need that was ‘less’ or ‘different’ than what I needed before. And that was when I realized I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW if you would just pull away again. That was when I realized I don’t have lower needs from you. Focus, energy, sex, kink; all based during time that was ours. My time with you being treated with respect by you and B. Being treated fairly. Not being shut out of your life. Open, honest, clear communication. Remaining honest with me about your sexual activities, for our safety.

I had never asked you for your focus during time that was someone else’s. H’s time was hers and I respected that. B’s time was hers and I respected that. I never had to be everywhere you went. I was perfectly able to greet you, show my love and say goodnight without interfering in your time with another partner when we all ended up in the same space.

But if I asked for the same respect, I was being selfish. I was interfering. I was ‘trying to take things away’. I was being ‘negative’. I was ‘isolating’ you. I was being ‘manipulative’.

But it doesn’t end there.

I still can’t turn off the caring. I still miss you. I still love you. I don’t particularly like you right now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you like crazy.

You can’t stop either.

We still talk everyday. You still ask me for my advice. I still talk to you about my day. We still spend time together within the community.

Why can’t I turn you off? I’ve never had a relationship sour so quickly, never been accused the way you accused me, never been treated as… low in value as you treated me at the end. I’ve had years long poly relationships in the past. More than one. What happened?

Vivify

To give new life or energy. I have spent a better portion of the past two months focusing on and trying to flex, patch, fix, repair, or figure out mine & R’s relationship and the issues we were having. At some point I’ll be ready to share more how things felt from my side. Not now. Now is when I share my hopes for other things that I want/need to give energy to in my life.

The kids. They are always my first priority. But, there have been times recently where I have brushed off some of the attention they want from me; to play games with me, watch movies or just hang out together and get my full attention. That will stop.

Art. I’ve always drawn, painted, sketched and sculpted. I’ve always gifted most of my work and kept very little for myself. I’ve always felt that no matter what I did, while it fulfilled a part of me; was not good enough(to me) or worthwhile enough in others eyes to pursue it or give it more energy than I do now. I have at various times mentioned to D different projects I’d like to do or a general: ‘I’d love to work with clay again.’ Over this past weekend, he gave me a sketchbook. And I teared up, I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t an expensive gift, just a sketchbook he’d had in a closet for years, but it’s the first time anyone’s given me something art related since I was a teenager.

Crafts. I have various levels of crafting. I can sew. I enjoy crochet. I love working with leather. Again, usually for others, though I keep more of the leather work than anything else. I remember the delight and amusement R got out of the Jesus robe at Halloween time. *smiles* There’s nothing like watching a bunch of kinky folk at a play party interact with ‘Jesus’. The ladies in my family have a monthly craft day and I’ve volunteered to make the ‘yearly prize’, a sofa sized afghan. I need to set aside time to sort out the yarn and pattern for that project.

I love working with leather. The smell. The texture. The kinky goodness of floggers, dragon tongues and tails. The researching on collars, cuffs, masks and blindfolds. The difference in each finished project, even when using all the same materials. Both of the boys got a… well I’m calling it a double dragon tongue, though there is often a level of debate as to what is/is not a tongue vs. a tail, for Christmas. It’s stingy as hell and fantastic. D went to a collaring/play party on Sunday, which I was unable to attend, and the newly collared one liked it enough that she asked about buying one! *SQUEE* Ohmigod… I *don’t* feel sure enough of my skills yet, but I am so happy that people are starting to ask, because I do want to start selling such things. Here’s a first step.

Crew. I am a crew member of a kink 101 interactive stage show, mainly at a club near me, though we are trying to branch out in the community. I’ve been letting my attendance at events for crew and training for various parts of crew slide while trying to sort out my personal life. I need to start giving that responsibility the attention it deserves. To give my growth within crew the effort it needs, not only for myself, but for this new family that I’m a part of to know me and my determination, dedication, and fidelity.

The blog. I’ve been letting the blog slip and that’s going to end. I need a place to vent frustrations, happiness, thoughts and to do so regularly. Letting all those things build up.. has not been good for me or the folk in my life. Venting here where those who need to see it can, rather than directly at/to them will hopefully ease some of the pressure on them and me.

D. My next post will be more detailed about the changes in my relationship with D, but very short version is: D is my Dom. I need and want to give more attention and focus to my service and submission to him. Finding my path with him and his with me and where we want to go together. To find my, his and our bliss.

Grace

So, I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. There have been changes in my relationship with D that I will post more on at a later time. For this post, it is time to mourn. My relationship with R has come to a close. Which in no way covers how I feel or how I think I feel or anything else. Grace is what I am hoping for. Grace is defined in multiple ways:

1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.
2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.
3. A sense of fitness or propriety.
4. A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.
5. Mercy; clemency.
6. A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.
7. A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.

I hope for the grace to move forward with an effortless beauty in friendship and not allow any bitterness I feel to color my future interactions with him. I hope for the grace to show character and refinement in not allowing my anger to ruin that friendship’s form. I hope for the grace to know when and if it is proper and fit to discuss how things fell apart so that I may learn from the mistakes I made. I hope for the grace to be generous with the love I still feel for him, help him as I may and the goodwill to wish him well on his new path. I hope for the grace to be merciful enough to be kind and forgiving of the mistakes he made. I hope for the grace to be indulgent; to give him the patient attention he may need from me even now, when it’s not my duty anymore. And, dear gods, I hope for grace for myself as well; a reprieve from the twists and turns of my heart that is hurting and a chance to breathe.