Tag Archive: schedule


Yes, yes, that’s a HIMYM joke. I am a dork. 😛

Argh! Where to start even? Let’s see… With this post I’ll have officially matched the number of times I posted last year! Yay? It’s an improvement, yes? Yes.

New job has been acquired. Secretary at a church..I keep getting laughter when I tell folks that..I can’t imagine why. Well, ok, I can but seriously people, I do have a spiritual/religious side, I’m just quiet about it. Oh, also, it is already more fulfilling than the last one! So, yay! again!

Pushing boundaries and enriching myself… well, i’m heading back to school FULL TIME! in a couple of weeks and have what looks like a two associates and two certificates scheduled out (provided I can manage the class loads and pass everything)! Now, I know I get super planny when it comes to work/school so that may get scaled down in time, without disappointment(I hope) on my part. I will be letting go of a duty to a local kink group as well…while I enjoyed working with them and have no complaints at all about the group in particular, the happiness I had felt with it in the beginning waned recently and I felt it was time to move on before resentment kicked in. I wish them the best and hope that if they need my help in the transition they ask and that works out smoothly as well.

If my allergies weren’t SO FUCKING BAD right now, I’d be working in the yard instead of talking to y’all so ‘improvements’ on the outside of the house are at a halt for the time being. We’re all(D, me, the kids) starting to pick up social things we’d like to do more regularly or at least deciding which ones we’d like to do that work with our schedules.

Kink. Has kind of been on hold or really sporadic lately.. I need to sort out with D & O some ways to work on that without me coming across as a demanding bitch. We’ll work it out, I’m sure.

So with all the changes and upheaval my depression’s been odd off and on and I just have to keep reminding myself that these changes have been GOOD and improvements over where we were a year ago for the most part. It’s not always easy, but the boys have been fantastic about helping with reminders and putting up with my occasional cranky/weepy days. D especially. I loves you hun!

Oh, and major props (salute!) to O on his ability to get the evil out. wink, wink, nudge, nudge

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This past weekend…held a lot of fun and disappointment. Let’s start with the fun…

Friday afternoon I headed off to a large local event. I took off work early, gathered up my bags, settled the kids with the sitters(thank you!) and hit rush hour traffic. *grins* I always think that is a fair price to pay for the fun I’m about to have. I haven’t been able to go out too much lately and was über excited for the weekend. I had a couple of scenes planned as a top, was healthy for the first weekend in 6 weeks, and would get to spend extra time with D…fantastic right?

Well, yes. And no. Let’s go semi-chronological here:

Arrived at the hotel excited. Waving at a friend I recognized and hurrying to the front door. Tripped on NOTHING and fell flat in front of about 6 people, one of whom is a smoking hot presenter that I have a ridiculous I-feel-like-a-bumbly-teenager crush on. Mortifying much? *laughs* Ah well, such is life with my natural talent for klutz. Knees are a bit tender now.

Check in and head to unload the car. I run into a local friend who wants to gossip about some drama in the community that includes an ex of mine. Disappointment. I’m going to address a mini rant to that at the end of the post. And to save me having to type it up over and over, I’m going to put Φ every time someone brought the drama up to me. I made one trip from the car to the room and realize… I’m super exhausted and maybe not as over my bronchitis as I thought. wheeze Only two trips to go! On the second trip I ran into some friends and thank Bob*, they were kind enough to help me bring the rest of my gear up. And then I took a break… damn I was tired. Knees are achingly tired!

Unpacking and showering and coordinating with D when he’d be arriving and oh, fuck I’m late to the DM orientation. Dashed downstairs and caught the majority of it, while holding my corset strings tight. Immediately needed to find someone to tighten me up since I still haven’t mastered tightening my own corset while it’s on my body. So happens, the ex I mentioned above is the first person I see who I know can tighten a corset properly. Sweet! Chit chatted while he was tightening, about everyday stuff. Yay, I’m done, thanks. How are you? Φ Oh, community folks are being judgmental and gossipy? No, I’m not surprised. I’m disappointed. See the rant. Knees are a-ok.

Found D and we visited for a bit catching up on our day and going over our plans for the weekend. Chatted with random folk, friends, etc. Found the first gentleman, Dante, I had a topping scene with and discussed basic ideas of what we were planning. I held my cards pretty close, since I immensely enjoy ‘surprising’ bottoms with my choice of play. We arranged a time for our electric scene and went off to opening remarks. Φ Shortly afterwards I ran into a coy lady that I enjoy poking. She makes pretty noises and says I’m evil. I poked, prodded, pulled hair, pinched, pressure pointed, and kneed her. Amongst other bits of things. She squealed quite nicely. Right knee might be bruised…

After a smoke or three, conversations with D and friends Φ, and an outfit change; it was time to find Dante and have our scene. Found him and had a brief chat in the hall again about expectations/limits/wants/etc. Ok, wow, I’m really more exhausted than I thought… breathe… Check and make sure he’s aware of the tired and ok to continue. Awesome.

We find a spot and he takes my boots off. yay

And rubs my feet. Ooh, very nice

And sucks my toes. I like that way more than I thought I would.. am I developing a foot fetish?

OK. Now strip. Our scene has changed.  internal snickering

I order him to lay back on the bench after some kisses and nibbling. Biting. Scratching. Clips. Nipple torture. Rubber hose. I straddle the bench and cradle him to me while he comes down. Oh, we’re not done yet, my boy.

More biting, scratching, kisses, nipple play, clips. I cradle him again but this time continue biting and scratching. I reach around and play with his piercing, smack his balls. I like his moans. Oh, you like that more than you want to let on, hmm?

I stand in front of him and contemplate for a moment. Clothespins. Tracing wheel. Fishing bells. Yes.

He holds my string of clothespins while I place them one at a time on his balls. They look pretty and he reacts but not loudly enough to suit me. Fine

Running the wheel across his cock brings louder noises and concerned eyes from him. smiles

Don’t worry, it didn’t break skin. He sighs. Clothespins come off and it’s time for the final peak. I place the fishing bells; one on each ball. They dangle down and jingle as I smack his shaft. grins

I kneel down and pressure point his feet. Dancing bells and screaming. Delicious

And cradling him again as we wind down. Stroking his chest, I realize it’s been way too long since I’ve had a bottom of my own. Something to contemplate. Final strokes, kisses, and cleanup and we smile and part ways. So much fun

I step outside and visit with folks Φ, smoke, find D. I have a bit of an energy boost from the scene, hooray! Talk about the scene and what he’s been up to while I was busy. Grab a few snacks, out to smoke again and exhaustion comes home to roost. Oy. We decide to head off to bed. My knees are aching.

Morning. Slowly wake up. Bob*, I’m tired. There weren’t any classes in the morning that we particularly wanted to catch, so we took our time waking and talking and headed out to breakfast. My left knee is hating the stairs! A cute little French bakery/bistro. Coffee, quiche, bacon, fruit. MMmm. Feeling a bit better. Heading back to the hotel, I decide I want a nap. Yup, I’ve been awake all of three hours and need a nap. I’m limping! Left knee still hates the stairs!

Napping. D futzes on the computer until it’s time for our first class. Good info, but more basic than we expected from the class description. Head over to the second class. Great info, fantastic subject, amusing presenter…and something I can’t ever do for physical reasons. sadface Visit folks for a few, we both poke at the bruises I left on my coy lady friend, and head upstairs to change for dinner. Stairs! Knee! Argh!

Dinner out just the two of us… it’s been too long since we could do that. Just sinking into the moment with him. So, so wonderful and it eases a bit of longing for him inside of me. Leisurely head back to the hotel. Damn, I’m limping again! And suddenly, like it was just waiting for me to relax a bit… my knee is driving me practically to tears. Back at the hotel and upstairs for an outfit change. We discuss the knee and decide I should take it easy. Then we have vigorous sexy times. Shower and the cold tiles make me cry. Man, I’m exhausted and hurting.

Limping about downstairs for a bit, visiting, outside to smoke, sitting down to rest the knee. D finally convinces me to head off to bed after a good friend hands over some meds. Brief talk with a hypno aficionado and a few friends Φ while D helps out with a scene, then a last smoke and bed. So, I missed my second topping scene. And, yes, that’s right by 9:30 on a Sat night at a big event, I was in bed, drugged up. D took my DM shift and checked up on me various times. I woke up once about 1?  when he came back to the room and decided I needed a smoke. So down we went and apparently I was hysterical. shrugs I don’t recall exactly what I said. I think there was flirting with the security guard.

Sunday, we both woke up late and were slow-moving. By the time we got down stairs most of the event gear was packed up, so we said goodbyes Φ and visited with each other again for a few before he had to head off to work.

So. I fell down in an embarrassing fashion, bashed up my knee(though it seems fine now?), missed a scene as a top and a flying scene and multiple people kept bringing up drama. Negatives

I also had a wonderful scene with Dante, lots of one on one time with D, great sex, a fantastic visit with several folks, lots of sleep, and overall? I came away happy. Positives

*Fyi: Bob is my generic swear for whichever ‘god/God’ you wanna put in there.

All in all, it was a great weekend except for the multiple reminders of drama.

                                                                                                                                                                                         

SO, now it’s time for my Φ rant. I’m not even sure it’s going to qualify, because I’m not ‘angry’. I’m severely disappointed.

A couple of weeks ago I found out that an ex had broken some promises while we were dating. Now, it doesn’t really affect me in a deep emotional way too much today because he and I aren’t dating anymore and it’s been awhile, plus it really helped fill in the blanks for some unanswered questions I had. So I’m not crying or angry like I would have been had I found out when it was happening. I am, however, disappointed.

Disappointed that he wasn’t the one to tell me. That the person who did, contributed to his deceptions and hasn’t really accepted their responsibility in it. That they keep trying to blow it off like they had little to no choice. That he still hasn’t apologized. That things I didn’t know about contributed to our break up and I’m sure he’s still convinced that his deceptions had nothing to do with it. That he’d betray my trust and the trust of his other loves in that way. That because of those broken promises, he and I were pretty much doomed before we started. But those things are personal and not something I want to delve into with everyone, thanks. Back off.

You know who I am really, really disappointed in? Our community. Oh, my Bob! Seriously people? The gloating, malicious, ranting from people this whole situation doesn’t even concern!

And you all seem to either a) forget or b) don’t care that you’re asking one of the betrayed people all these questions and putting someone down that, broken promises or no, I still care about. Did it cross your mind at all to empathize or say ‘i’m sorry this happened to you’? Nope. You’re all too busy crowing about ‘how awful’ and ‘how could he’ and ‘isn’t it horrible’ to think about WHO you are saying all these things to.

You know what? He broke promises to me too!

And since when were people supposed to be perfect?

Do I approve of what he did? No, of course not.

Do I think he made a wise choice? No, of course not.

But you know what? He’s a human being. We all make mistakes. Grow up, mind your own, and stop expecting perfection. He’ll either sort this out or not and that’s his life. Go have your own life and remember that you certainly aren’t perfect either.

Poly musings

Recently(ok more like 2 months ago) this question came up in a fetlife group.

How do you “reprogram” yourself to be polyamorous?

To my way of thinking you either ARE poly or you are not. Regardless of how many people you are dating at any one point in time. I recently parted ways with one of my partners, so I am sexually and romantically monogamous at the moment. That does not mean I identify as a monogamous person, do you see what I mean?

Ended relationships and circumstance have led me here. Choices made not only by me, but the other folk in my life. Not one choice that was made purposefully to lead to situational monogamy. Situational monogamy… interesting phrase. I think I’ll keep it. Along with ‘situational awareness’ that my chosen family has shared with me.

Poly is not easy. It was a long hard journey to reach the acceptance within myself for my poly nature. It took time and leaps of faith and work and a thick skin at times. Basically, you decide: I am an adult. I have a right to express my sexuality. It is my choice and right and path to do what I want with my heart/body/soul/mind. I am capable of, happy with, and fulfilled by loving more than one partner wholeheartedly and openly.

And when poly goes wrong, it can be more devastating than one relationship ending. You’ve made connections, however tenuous, with your partner’s OSOs, friends and sometimes family. And if you add the kink community in, you’re all going to end up seeing each other again. Almost everywhere you go. Play parties, gatherings, just going to hang out at a bar with friends… these things just don’t go away.

And people will judge you, even within the community. For not doing poly the same way they do. For having different needs that they deem ‘selfish’. For identifying in ways they don’t accept.

Any person can look down on me or judge me for my poly, that is their choice. I am not ‘out’ to most of my family, not because I am truly afraid to share with them, but because their right to not know outweighs my desire to share. I’m sure they have an inkling, because I don’t actively hide my partners, but they do not ask either. And until they do, I am not pushing the issue. For instance, I discuss things I do with each partner, mention them by name, etc… But I have never blatantly discussed poly with my family.

Outside of family, my friends all know I am poly and kinky. My children know I’m poly, though they might not know the term. shrugs If someone chooses to look down on me or my loves because we are poly that is their choice. I can not make them choose otherwise, anymore than they can make me conform to their standard.

On R(emembering)…

Yes, I’m thinking on you again. Some people might be wondering “Why?”

I don’t know. Some things just won’t go away.

I know what’s my fault. I fell in love with you. It happens seldom enough that when I do fall, it’s significant.

I miss you a lot.

Not the you who restricted me out of your life…the you that you were when we were happy. The you that made me smile and laugh. The you who would talk for hours about yourself and your worries, wants and loves. The you who sang me Tim Minchin songs in bed. The you who couldn’t keep your hands off me.

I wasn’t looking for you at all. I didn’t even know who you were when you found me. You asked me out. I told you all the things that would make that difficult. I gave you an itemized list: distance, my kids, time needs, old wounds, other love interests, etc… I gave you fair warning about who I was and what I needed. I asked if you were dating anyone outside of your wife, who is a friend. You said no.

You pushed. You pushed hard. You wanted a strong secondary relationship. Not a primary, you had H and I had D; but for me to have a strong influence in your life and you in mine. We started calling it ‘main’ cause it wasn’t exactly primary… but wasn’t exactly secondary either.

I relented. I had no hopes for the evening to turn out well. You charmed me. You made me laugh.

You encouraged me to let down my guard. I worried about emotional attachment. About becoming attached too quickly. You encouraged it and you said you were becoming attached too. I loved.

Finally, you had me. For almost two months, things went well. You started dating another secondary, B. One that you had omitted spending 2-3 nights a week with when I had asked if you were dating. There were issues with scheduling from the start. All the things we had agreed on for us, didn’t work for her. All the things you said you didn’t want to do with her, she wanted.

Suddenly, the majority of our time was being used up, not to meet our needs together; but to meet B’s needs.

That’s when you stopped pulling me to you and got distant. That’s when other omissions started becoming clear. That’s when you started pushing me away. That’s when our relationship started being last on your list. That’s when you started shutting me out of parts of your life. Kink. Public time. Energy. Focus. Communication. Sex.

I asked if you were done? Being me, though, when you said no, you loved me; my immediate thought was that you meant it. Because I don’t play mind games. When you offered things to me, it didn’t occur to me that those would become ‘ways I restricted you’ or ‘things that I asked for’ later. I believed in you because I loved you.

I wanted to save what we had…because I was in love with you.

We made it through the holidays and then you needed a ‘break’. You were stepping back from both me and B and would talk with each of us about our schedule. In the mean time, we’d each see you one evening, shared; and one night, alone.

I tried to sort out what went wrong. I thought maybe I made a mistake. You punished me for placing restrictions on you that I never asked for and then you punished me for trying to fix what was now broken. You accused me of manipulating you. I didn’t get time with you for 2 weeks.

We all shared a non-kink weekend event. You didn’t seem to miss me at all. I had to ask for time alone to reconnect. You commented about how we were so easy together afterward. I found out during that weekend that you’d already taken back B.

I waited another two weeks for you to talk with me about our schedule. We had a weekend long kink event, you and me and B. I left that weekend feeling like I had to force you to spend time with me.

Two days after the event I finally broke down and had to ask you what my schedule was going to be with you. And you cut me further out of your life and cut our time down from what our relationship started with by two thirds.

One night a week.

Really one night a month since I’d have to share that night with your other partners 3 out of 4 weeks a month. And you couldn’t explain how that was fair to us or me.

I asked about options:

Could we alternate another night between me and another of your partners?
No.

Could you let me know when you had days off so I could hermit with you like your other partners?
No.

Could I come up to you on a week night and spend a few hours, though I couldn’t stay overnight cause I’d have to get the kids off to school in the morning?
Maybe. Sometimes. Not every week. You weren’t sure.

Could I be included in your community meetings, like your other partners?
No.

Could we make a time during the day that was ours?
No, daytimes were for you.

Could you give me a phone call one or two nights a week?
No. You hated talking on the phone.

I asked again how was that what we had wanted out of our relationship. How was that fair to us. How was that going to meet our needs as a couple.

And you were done. You quit. I ‘wanted too much’. I couldn’t give you the ‘distance’ you needed. I was ‘unhealthy for you’.

All of 4 hours after completely rewriting our relationship, you were done.

And I didn’t and don’t understand; what I wanted from you at the end of our relationship was the same thing we both said we wanted at the beginning… and you insisted that you still wanted those things too.

And I’m still left with not understanding. I can’t get the answers from you. We haven’t really talked for a while. Not really talked. I try to keep it light, because it still hurts when you get angry or defensive or blame me for us breaking. Suddenly, I’m the only one at fault. You won’t admit to doing anything wrong. You can’t see the other things that affected us. My truth is ‘just my perception’ and your truth is the truth.

I know there were things I did that were wrong for you. You’ve said so. But you won’t talk to me about what they were. You won’t explain how they were wrong. You won’t explain why you hid them from me for so long. You won’t explain when you started feeling them. I don’t want to fill in the blanks myself, cause that’s not fair to either of us. So the questions simply sit there. And occasionally fly around my heart and cut me again.

You don’t seem to miss me. You didn’t seem to mourn us at all. Most of the time you act like we don’t still have feelings for each other.

It’s been six weeks.

And at some point, I admitted to myself that I was missing you still. I feel foolish because I still care, still miss you and still want to fix what didn’t need to break. I want to talk about burying the past and getting back together. Trying us, now, out for size. Not a primary, we both already have one. But a solid secondary relationship. And that was when I realized it wouldn’t matter… we’d had that. And it wasn’t worth enough to you to protect it or fight for it.

I started writing an email. About what I’d need that was ‘less’ or ‘different’ than what I needed before. And that was when I realized I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW if you would just pull away again. That was when I realized I don’t have lower needs from you. Focus, energy, sex, kink; all based during time that was ours. My time with you being treated with respect by you and B. Being treated fairly. Not being shut out of your life. Open, honest, clear communication. Remaining honest with me about your sexual activities, for our safety.

I had never asked you for your focus during time that was someone else’s. H’s time was hers and I respected that. B’s time was hers and I respected that. I never had to be everywhere you went. I was perfectly able to greet you, show my love and say goodnight without interfering in your time with another partner when we all ended up in the same space.

But if I asked for the same respect, I was being selfish. I was interfering. I was ‘trying to take things away’. I was being ‘negative’. I was ‘isolating’ you. I was being ‘manipulative’.

But it doesn’t end there.

I still can’t turn off the caring. I still miss you. I still love you. I don’t particularly like you right now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you like crazy.

You can’t stop either.

We still talk everyday. You still ask me for my advice. I still talk to you about my day. We still spend time together within the community.

Why can’t I turn you off? I’ve never had a relationship sour so quickly, never been accused the way you accused me, never been treated as… low in value as you treated me at the end. I’ve had years long poly relationships in the past. More than one. What happened?

Ordinary Quality

Ordinary time is quality time. Everyday activities are not just necessities that keep you from extra-ordinary tasks: they are the best opportunities for learning and growth you can give your relationship… to gain knowledge of the day-to-day life your partner takes for granted and grow new habits together.

The everyday things are important. Having undivided attention from each partner is a powerful way to reconnect. Each partner deserves individual quality time, simply by virtue of being your partner and being loved. If you’re mixing the majority of your time with multiple partners; you aren’t meeting individual quality time needs. I understand the appeal of having multiple partners to spend time with at once, but each individual relationship needs quality time too. Each dyad needs to have quality interaction(i.e. not just sleeping!) time; regardless of the overall shape(triad, quad, quint?).

What ordinary things constitutes quality time with my partner as a dyad? Showering together. A cup of coffee before I head to work. Driving in the car together. Cuddling on the couch. Watching a movie. Talking for hours with no distractions. Lying naked in bed while he sings silly songs to me. Playing video games together. Being taught D&D. Swapping web comics. Going to the grocery store. Brushing his hair. Scratching his back. Taking a night to stay in. Making a toy together. Playing a board game with the kids. Fixing things around the house. Going to community meetings. Helping friends move. Drinks with friends. And more…

And those are ordinary things; I’m not including sex, kink, D/s, spiritual, intellectual, physical, public, COMMUNICATION or other needs. Most of the ordinary things meet not only quality time needs, but at least one of the other needs too.

Do all of those things for each partner.. do not try to mash them together. Do try to get alone time with each partner, do not try to squeeze all your needs or partners into one time. I understand that play parties, nights at the club, spending time a group of friends are all fun and, yes, things to include in each relationship. But quality time does not imply doing anything out of the ordinary. It is the accumulated day-to-day interactions, not trips to the circus, that have the deepest positive affect on a relationship. And the deepest negative affect, when quality time is ignored or neglected.